


This is not a Love Story

by JenniferLourhane, Liv_daemonsandpandas



Category: His Dark Materials (TV), His Dark Materials - Philip Pullman
Genre: Affairs, Depression, F/M, Father-Daughter Relationship, Long-Distance Relationship, Mother-Daughter Relationship, Past Relationship(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-10
Updated: 2021-02-26
Packaged: 2021-03-15 01:22:00
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 28,849
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28680288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JenniferLourhane/pseuds/JenniferLourhane, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Liv_daemonsandpandas/pseuds/Liv_daemonsandpandas
Summary: The universe works in ways that even physics cannot explain, sometimes things happen by chance, with no time or date, just coincidence.  Scholars like Marisa Coulter would never call that fate, not when the chances of something happening are one in a million.But there, completely lost in thoughts and feelings, she wonders about what are the chances of her ex lover and the daughter she abandoned being in the same building as her?!She would say none if she wasn't looking at the two faces that she tried to forget for 12 years.A look at what would have happened if Edward never found out about the baby and Asriel had the chance to raise Lyra.
Relationships: Lord Asriel & Lyra Belacqua, Lord Asriel/Marisa Coulter, Lyra Belacqua & Marisa Coulter
Comments: 57
Kudos: 128





	1. Forgotten  memories

**Author's Note:**

> I hope you enjoy it☺️

_ **Forgotten memories** _

_ 12 years ago _

Thunder boomed through the mansion's rooms causing every single object to tremble, the place itself felt like a worse storm than the one outside, because instead of thunder, the woman's screams in the main room rattled the entire structure of the house. They were strong, desperate and piercing.

This wasn’t how Marisa Coulter thought she would be at 22, if she had a choice in anything in her life, she would certainly want to die now.

The sweat on her forehead running down her eyes, her chest painfully full of milk, her legs spread in shame and the growing pain in her belly make her wish for death more than ever, not only for her, but for what leeched off of Marisa for nine months and left her in this mess.

What would her mother say if she saw her like this?!Oh, the woman knows exactly... "You’re a shame Marisa, spreading your legs like any prostitute, I didn’t raise you for that", and she knows that after that she would find herself kneeling on the floor, almost in the same state she finds herself now, with her mother's daemon choking the golden monkey's throat.

Yes, the monkey.

The brunette, who was extremely beautiful in situations other than these, held her breath and before doing what the midwife asked, she looked at the monkey who was tearfully staring at her in his little black eyes.

"This is your fault" Marisa speaks with the maximum amount of hatred she can muster and then, with the same hatred, she pushes the fetus inside her out to see the face of the mother it has ruined.

"Keep going, Mrs!"The midwife screams and Marisa feels a dizzying pressure in her belly.

It felt like she was being torn in half, she had never been in pain like this, not even when her mother tied ribbons around her hands and mouth and made her kneel down and ask the Authority for forgiveness for talking to some boy.

Marisa stopped pushing when she felt her strength run out, she breathed hard, her full chest rose and fell to the beat of her heartbeat, her dark curly hair looked like nothing more than a mess on her head.

Marisa tightened her grip on the wooden headboard and laughed to herself, getting a strange look from the gyptian woman.

She was a married woman giving birth to another man's child.There was no way the Authority could forgive her for that.

"Is it... close?"Marisa forced the words out of her throat.

"I can see a little bit of the head now, maybe two more jerks and it will be here!"The other woman shouted back.

The brunette stopped for a second and thought about not pushing any more, thought about keeping this sin inside her forever, so no one would look at the horror she had created, so no one would know what she had done.

Marisa would be lying if thoughts like abortion hadn’t crossed her mind, even now, to the point of dumping the child out of her womb, a screaming part of her asks that as soon as the creature passes her legs she would throw it away.

But she knows she can't, not when she was raised on such a strict faith, not when her own husband wanted a child (even if it isn't his), not when she saw a spark of humanity in the eyes of the child's real father as soon as Marisa said she was carrying his baby.

No, she had to continue ... she had to do this because there was no way to erase the past, she cannot go back and undo the hot nights full of lust and love she spent with Asriel when her husband was too blind with work and prostitutes, although she doubted that Edward had ever looked at anything other than a promotion, he lacked the ambition, focus and fire that Asriel had, not to mention the money.Perhaps the only mistake she really made was choosing the wrong husband.

"Madam, you have to push again or the child will start to suffocate" Ma Costa asks with a certain desperation in his voice.

_Yes, let it suffocate, I don't care_ she thought, but her body unwittingly started to push.

"Oh heavens" Marisa screams at the same time as thunder crackles in the sky.

"Yes!It's coming, Mrs!The head is almost out!One more push and you will meet your child! ”The blonde woman screams.

Marisa's heart stops for a few seconds when she feels the distress of the moment, her fragile and aching body stops and she looks at the white space on the ceiling.

She would be a mother tonight, but only on one condition: that child would have to be born with her face.If there was any striking sign of Asriel on the baby's face then there was no way for her to keep the child.

And if Marisa could keep the child, would she be a good mother?Or would she be like her own mother ?!

Tears began to spill over the woman's face when she finally let her strong mask fall.

"I can't do this" She sobbed at the midwife.

Maggie looked with pity on the pregnant woman, she knew the whole situation involving the baby and promised Asriel to keep his secret, she as a mother, couldn’t imagine how that woman with such a young and childish face could be dealingwith all the uncertainty of her child's future.

“No, you’re strong, you’re a mother now, that means that nothing in the world can defeat you” Ma Costa remembers her son Tony and how she would defeat the world for him, because he was the source of her strength.

Marisa, strangely motivated for the woman's words, started to breathe quickly and force the baby out of her body.

The 22-year-old woman never called herself strong, she often felt weak and insignificant, but she’s a mother now (or whatever it means) and even though the midwife's words were just some kind of encouragement, Marisa didn’t feel stronger than now, when in her last wave of strength, pushed the baby out of her body.

"You got it!"Maggie smiles as she takes the baby in her arms.

The cry flowed through Marisa's ears like an alert bell, warning that this little person could destroy her world from now on.

The woman's thin body slammed into the mattress and she finally released the headboard and sighed with relief when Marisa felt her muscles relax on the sheets.

The golden monkey, who had always kept himself close to the woman at an impossible to touch distance, began to approach and look tenderly at Marisa's sweaty face, with a little hesitation he extended his paw and smoothed the woman's head making her open her eyes and face him, but the woman soon realized that both needed to feel it, to feel anything other than fear creeping in their entrails.

"Do you want to hold your child now?"Ma Costa asks holding the bloody baby with a white cloth around the child.

Marisa moved her eyes and looked at the woman holding what she tried to deny, forget and pretend that didn’t exist.She saw the baby's hand reach out from the blanket, it was then that she realized that it was real, that this child was really a person.

"I ... I ..." The brunette stutters, tears fill her eyes.

"It's okay" Maggie smiles gently "I'll clean her up and then I'll bring her to you".

"Her?"A sigh escapes Marisa's lips.

"Yes, you have a very healthy girl with very strong lungs," says the woman, trying to silence the baby.

The baby's cries annoy Marisa, but not because they were loud and high-pitched, but because every time the baby sobbed it felt like the young mother's heart was being ripped out of her chest.

Without looking at Marisa, the golden monkey made its way to the end of the bed where Maggie held the child and then peered into the blanket, the midwife took the white blanket from the baby's face and showed her to the monkey, who in turn held it outhis hand and stroked the daemon lying on the child's bare chest.The little daemon, crying as much as the little girl, changed shape several times, perhaps out of dissatisfaction or because he was just testing the new world he was born in, but when his eyes landed on the golden shape of the older daemon, he quickly turned into agolden monkey cub.

The baby's cries subsided when Pan leapt awkwardly into the arms of the monkey who held the cub very gently, the older daemon looked at Marisa with a meaningful look, imploring something that only the two of them could understand.

The woman sighs and moves her eyes to the baby who, although she stopped screaming, was still sobbing and extending her hands out of the blanket.

"Give her to me" Marisa's voice shakes and she extends her arms.

"Are you sure?I can..."

"Give her to me before I change my mind" Marisa desperately demands, she didn't know what she was doing, but she knew that her other half, the monkey, bathed her with feelings of warmth, comfort and peace while holding her child’s daemon.

Ma Costa nods and stretches over the bed so that she can place the baby gently in the woman's arms.

Something pulsed in Marisa's heart, the organ that was almost fallen into disuse, was enveloped by an overwhelming warmth, much like what she was feeling through the monkey, but only stronger.

The baby stopped crying and stared at the beautiful, tired woman, as if she knew exactly who Marisa was and wanted to show some respect for the effort this woman put to bring her to this world.

The golden monkey approached the two still holding the little daemon in his arms and then sat down next to Marisa.

The brunette felt tears streaming down her face when she felt the impact of looking at the child in her arms, how many times she didn't want to be looked at like that, it seemed like the little girl knew exactly what she was like, not to Mrs. Coulter, wife of Edward Coulter, not to Marisa Delamare, daughter of a strict religious woman, not to Marisa Coulter, lover of Asriel Belacqua, but to Marisa, that version of herself that even the woman herself didn’t know, because she was never given the chance to meet, this Marisa who she saw reflected in the child's dark eyes was a person who could go much further in life.

Marisa holds the child closer to her heart, leans down and runs her fingers over the little girl's dirty face, the girl was completely soiled with blood and placenta, the woman also noticed that the umbilical cord still connected the two.

"I have to cut the umbilical cord in order to get the placenta out," Maggie explains, although she didn't want to disturb the woman and the child.

Marisa forces her eyes away from the baby, a part of herself sad to have to be disconnect from the girl like that and another part regrets not having taken advantage of the time the baby spent inside her, most of it she complained about the simple fact that the child exists.

"Okay" She agrees.

"You can cut it if you want" Maggie offers.

Marisa stops for a moment, and then looks at the golden monkey that still holds the child's daemon in his arms.

“He's going to cut” Marisa says referring to the monkey.

The woman's daemon reluctantly places the little monkey on the child's chest and grabs the scissors offered by the midwife, with firm paws he holds the rope that connects the mother to the baby and then slides the scissors breaking the connection.

For some conflicting reason, Marisa felt more sad about this than she would feel if they cut her own daemon away from her, something totally unhealthy and unnatural.

After the cut, the midwife is quick to place a clip on the baby's navel to heal the incision.

The child started to cry in Marisa's arms, as if she had felt the break in the physical connection between her mother and starts to wave her hands in the air.

The woman unsuccessfully tries to calm the baby by rocking her from side to side, she was a mother for 15 minutes and was already failing at that!

A new wave of tears started to fill the brunette's eyes and she wanted nothing more than to shake the woman next to her and demand Maggie to tell her what is wrong with her baby.

Marisa didn't have to do that when she finally understood what the girl was looking for, the baby was pressing her head against Marisa's chest and trying to run her head over the woman's nightgown, meanwhile, the brunette's breasts leaked over the white fabric, as ifeven after cutting the thing that connected their bodies, they could still feel each other.

Marisa quickly lowered the strap of her nightgown and exposed her bare chest and then looked at the gyptian woman.

"She's hungry!How do I do this?How do I feed her? ”Marisa asks the blonde in desperation.

"Just follow your instincts, you're doing fine," Maggie replies.

Marisa rests the baby's head on her arm and guides the girl's mouth to her pink chest, the pain that followed as soon as the child started to suck was something that Marisa doesn't expect.

"Oh, calm down ... there's more milk for you" Marisa scolds gently.

As if she knew what her mother was talking about, the child slowed down and gently sucked on her breast.

The pain was still there, but it was nothing compared to the sight of the girl breastfeeding, her small lips clinging to Marisa's breast, her small little hands holding the woman's skin, her little eyes that sometimes looked at her mother's face, even if she wastoo young to really focus on a face.

The woman raised a finger to wipe the milk that ran down the corner of the little girl's mouth and smiled when she realized that the girl's daemon was stroking the baby's skin.

While Marisa was breastfeeding, Maggie removed the rest of the placenta from inside the woman and discarded it, also changed some of the bloodstained sheets without disturbing the young mother.After finishing, the midwife sits next to the woman on the bed and extends her arms.

"I have to clean her up and put her in some clothes, Mrs. Coulter"

Marisa looks at the woman as if a second head has been born on her neck.

"No, she is still hungry!"Marisa argues, but looking down, the baby's mouth was loose around her breast and she seemed to be almost asleep.

"It's just for a moment, so you can rest" Maggie tries to convince her but Marisa seemed adamant.

"Put water in the bathtub and leave it at room temperature, when you are finished you can leave" The woman orders.

"But you need ..."

"Did Asriel not ask you to do everything I say?"Marisa raises her eyebrow.

"Yes, ma'am" The gyptian woman replies.

"Then do what I say" Marisa says looking steadily at the woman.

Maggie did what Marisa asked and left the room, but before closing the door, she turned around and said that if the brunette needed anything she would be in the hall.

The young mother got up from the bed with difficulty, her whole body asked her to sleep, but she couldn't, not when she was so fascinated by the child in her arms.

Marisa lays the baby down on the bed so she can take off her blood-soaked nightgown, she can't look in the mirror now (her uterus was gradually revolving and the inside of her thighs were full of blood) because she knows she won't see the slender figure who had seen reflected nine months ago.

The woman takes the baby close to her chest and goes to the bathroom where the bathtub was almost completely filled with warm water.

Marisa puts one foot first and then the other to then lower herself completely into the bath.

The baby started to moan against the mother when she felt the water touch her skin, the child's daemon also protested in the golden monkey’s arms.

"Calm down, darling... shh ... I'm here ... I'm going to clean you up, don't be afraid" Marisa whispers in the baby's ear causing the child to calm down.

The woman wasn’t prepared for the feelings that were rapidly invading her heart or what they meant to her, but Marisa knew she would kill the first person who touched this girl's head.Her daughter.

"Don't worry, I won't let anyone hurt you" She took the baby off her chest and looked at her with tears in her eyes.

Marisa is haunted by the memory of what she planned to do with this baby before having her in her arms and irrationally fears that the child will be able to remember that.

The girl opens her dark eyes and looks at the mother, with one hand, Marisa dips the baby's bottom in the water and with the other she runs her fingers through the child's skin and tries to get the dirt off.

While Marisa bathes the girl, she looks gently at the baby's body, the woman counts ten fingers on her hands and feet, she feels the warm skin and then runs her fingers over the baby's face, now Marisa can see the perfect details of the child's features as all the blood and placenta have been cleaned from the baby's face.

What Marisa saw was the most beautiful and terrifying thing in her life, the brunette’s chest started to heave and tears flooded her eyes.

"No ..." She whispered as she ran her finger over the little girl's cheek.

Finally the woman noticed Asriel's eyes on the child, as well as his mouth, she also noticed the birthmark of Asriel's family on the baby's neck, the more she stared at the child, the more Marisa noticed small similarities that wouldn’t go unnoticed by people.

"No, no, no!"Marisa raised her voice angrily making the baby startle and start to cry.

A part of her is furious that the baby in her arms has the audacity to look like a man she didn't even know, a man who had never been there on nights when Marisa was unable to sleep because of the discomfort of the last months of pregnancy, or even in the beginning, when even though He knew that Marisa was pregnant, He decided the next day to leave for an expedition in the north.Asriel wasn’t the man who spoke to her belly, planned a future for the baby inside her or worried about knowing about the doctor's appointments, neither was Edward this man.It was just her and the baby for the entire pregnancy, and most of the time Marisa hated the baby in her womb.

The girl started to cry when she felt her mother's behavior change because Marisa held her tightly in her hands.

The woman was roused from her state of anger and realized the reason for the child's cries, Marisa loosens her grip on the baby and brings her to her chest, a wave of guilt falls on the brunette.

"I don’t mean it , I don’t mean it, I don’t mean it... shhh ..." Marisa kisses the cheek repeatedly.

The child was not to blame for being born with his face, it was all biological after all, it was something that couldn’t be changed.

Marisa knew what that meant, she would have to give the child to Asriel as she knew it would be very dangerous for the three of them if she kept the baby.That thought made her happy before, now it didn't make her want anything but to take the baby and leave for the most remote place on earth, maybe even the Himalayas.

A knock on the door takes her thoughts away.

"Marisa?Marisa where are you? ”She heard Asriel's voice call, but she made no move to answer.

She pulled the baby closer to her body and sank a little deeper into the water with her daughter in her arms.It didn't take long for her to hear the man's steps towards the bathroom.

"There you are!Why didn't you answer me?!I was worried, Maggie said that ... ”Then he stopped talking when he noticed the naked woman and child in the bathtub, his eyes fell directly on the pink package against the woman's body“ Marisa ... I came as soon as I could... Maggie told me that she is a girl ”.

He bent down to the woman's eyes, who tried to avoid his eyes, Marisa had eyes only for the baby lying in her arms.

“Marisa, talk to me, how are you?Maggie said that you never wanted her help ... you’re very weak, you should ... ”

"You don't know what's best for me" The woman speaks with a grudge in her voice.

"Marisa, what is this?"He frowns “Why are you doing this?Come on, you better go get dressed and then we can talk better, give me the girl ”.

He extends his arms and looks anxiously at the baby who is still in her mother's arms.

"I can't ..." she whispers.

"Why not?"Asriel looks at her confused.

"Because you're just going to take her from me," she replies, this time looking at him.

"My love, what are you talking about?"He extends his hand and wipes the tears down the woman's cheek.

"She looks like you" Marisa sobs and pulls the baby closer to her.

Asriel looks stunned for a minute, but then gets up and takes a soft white towel.

"Come dry yourself, let's talk about it in the room, you don't need to pass the girl over me, just let me help you" He asks holding the towel in one hand and the other he extends in front of her.

Marisa felt like mocking, so that means that now he decided to help?!When there was absolutely nothing else to do?!

But the woman didn’t protest, instead she stood with the baby in her arms, leaning on Asriel's outstretched hand.He wrapped the towel around her shoulders and followed her into the bedroom, then sat her on the bed.

"You have to wear something, where are your sleepwear?"He asks, rummaging through the wardrobe.

"In the middle drawer" She replies hoarsely.

The golden monkey stands at her feet, still holding the baby's daemon in the same position as Marisa is now, supporting the girl's head close to her heart.Asriel's daemon looks at the scene with deep longing in her emerald green eyes.

Asriel returns with a blue silk nightgown and places it beside the woman.

"To be able to get dressed you will have to let her go, I will be here helping you so you won't have to worry about me, put her in the bed" He speaks as gently as he can, in fact, Marisa doesn't remember seeing Asriel so gentle as now.

The woman nods and adjusts the baby on the middle of the bed.

"I have to dress her" Marisa remembers looking at the naked form of the child.

"Yes, but you will have to get dressed first" Asriel opens the buttons of the nightdress and walks over to Marisa.

The young mother sighs and then drops the towel from her body.

"Don't look at me, I look awful" She says and then tries to hide her body with her arms.

"You never look awful, Marisa" He raises his hand and fixes a wild hair on the woman's head.

She smiles and leans over to kiss him.

It was a kiss different from the ones they normally give, their kisses are harsh, full of lust and forbidden passion, nothing like this kiss in particular, which was so soft and sweet that it would be marked in the memory of both forever.

She walks away and helps him to pass the nightdress over her arms, then he closes the buttons on her back.

The child in bed starts to cry for attention, something that catches the eye of both parents.

"You must go, she must be hungry," says Asriel, looking at the child with devotion and longing, very different from the harshness he usually carries in his eyes.

The woman perceives Asriel's feelings, as she herself is still processing feelings similar to his.

"You can hold her, I have to find the clothes to wear her" Marisa says.

"Are you sure?"He asks.

"Go ahead" She tilts her head towards the bed.

The man, a little uncertain and extremely nervous, walks over to the bed and takes the baby in his arms.

"Hi ..." He whispers to the baby who stops crying and stares at him in silence.

Asriel saw himself in the child's face, but for him, the baby was a miniature of Marisa.

"Do you want to put the diaper on?"Marisa asks approaching the man with the baby.

She carries a heavy bag with utensils for the newborn.

"I never changed a diaper before" He says looking at her like she's going crazy.

“And do you think that just because I'm a woman I already changed one?! I know as much as you do. ”She puts the bag on the bed.

"So how do we do that?"He starts to rock the baby in his arms.

"I have no idea, but it shouldn't be something as difficult as space science!"Marisa rolls her eyes.

10 minutes later, Marisa and Asriel would have preferred to calculate the total mass of the universe than having to change their first diaper, six new diapers were thrown in the trash until the seventh one was properly dressed on the baby.

"See! We did it! She looks great!"Asriel puts his hands on his hips.

"Us? I did it! You just read the instructions and still read them wrong!"Marisa raises an eyebrow.

"I'll let you take the credit this time ... where are the clothes? She can't just be in diapers" He grimaces and the baby looks at him.

Marisa rummages through her bag and finds a pair of pink clothes.

"I think this will do," the woman comments.

"Pink?" He makes a face and then walks to search the bag and chooses another change of clothes “Blue is better”.

The two begin to dress the little girl together, one supporting the baby's body while the other passes the blouse over her head.

“Take care of her head, Asriel!She’s very fragile! ”Marisa scolds.

“I'm taking care, Marisa!Look!All ready"

The two sit on the bed with the baby wrapped in Marisa's arms, with the girl's ermine-shaped daemon wrapped around her neck.

The world fell silent at that moment while the three shared a unique moment.

"She's beautiful," Asriel whispers.

"Yes, she is" Marisa agrees, her fingers stroking the child's dark hair.

"We did something extraordinary together, Marisa" He leans down and kisses the woman's forehead. Marisa smile in response.

"We have to give her a name" The brunette says kissing the baby's cheek.

“How about Aurora?Because of the northern lights, ”Asriel suggests.

"It's a good idea... but I don't think she looks like an Aurora... I think she must be called Lyra" The woman smiles at the baby.

“Like the constellation?! It’s perfect and unique, just like her! ”A rare smile blesses the man's lips "Where did you get that name from?"

Marisa's eyes are sad and she looks at the wall on the other side of the room.

"Because when she goes with you, I can look at the night sky and be reminded of her" Marisa says sadly.

The man frowns.

“You don't have to stay!Come with us!I can protect you and Lyra! ”He speaks strongly.

"Protect, Asriel ?!Not even you, with all your money, can protect us from the Magisterium and Edward's wrath when he finds out about us!You may think Edward is stupid but he knows how to use a gun ”Marisa scoffs at the man.

"He may know how to use a gun but I doubt he's as quick on the trigger as I am" The man threatens.

“Are you crazy, Asriel ?!Do you know what would happen if you killed him?! They would take everything from you!Everyone would know about us and who knows what would happen to the baby?! This is what you want?!"She screams and then cuddles the baby a little in her arms.

The man stands up and moves away from her.

"You're just a coward" Asriel says with disgust.

“Who are you to judge me?! If you don't want her, I can find a way to raise her up, I can try to hide your sinful DNA inside this child! ” She stands up and starts to rock the baby who was getting uncomfortable with her parents argument.

"Oh, really?! And what would you do when he looked at the girl and realized that she is not his?!Like you said, he can LOOK stupid but he isn’t! ”He paces impatiently from side to side and then stopped “And don't think I'm going to let that bastard raise my child!”

"So this is all about ego, Asriel?!"

"Weren't you the one who wanted to abort her?!" Asriel replies.

It took everything in Marisa's body so as not to spit in the man's face.

But he was right, she didn't want this child in the first place, and even though she wanted the baby now, who's gonna say she will be a good mother?!When she herself didn’t have the best maternal example.Marisa is still young, she still wants to do many things in life, she wants to leave her mark on this world!How much would motherhood hinder this dream?!

Edward was easy to manipulate and she had him in the palm of her hand.

If she went with Asriel, she would probably live in his shadow, she would just be the woman he would sleep with at night and fill her with children she didn’t want to raise, she wouldn’t imagine raising anyone other than Lyra.No, she deserved more.Marisa deserved to be the kind of person she had seen reflected in the baby's eyes.

She wants to be someone that her daughter could be proud of, even if she didn't have the child around.Her sacrifice wouldn’t t be in vain, giving up Lyra wouldn’t be in vain and she will make sure of that.

With one last look at the sleeping child, she bent down and kissed the girl's forehead and then passed the baby to her lover.

"Take her, you better go before Edward arrives" She says without looking into Asriel's eyes.

"Marisa, if you really make that decision, don't think that I won't forget you forever" He purses his lips and looks angrily at the woman.

Marisa looks up to face him and locks her jaw, her whole body screams to take the child in her arms, but she has to keep herself steady.

"She is more yours than mine now" She forces the words down her throat "Take your daughter and leave my house" Marisa finishes.

"She'll never know of you, Marisa.You'll be dead to her, I'll make sure of that." Asriel's eyes are filled with anger.

Marisa's look falters a little when she looks at the baby, but soon she recovers and puts a soft, controlled and polite smile on her face.

She exchanges a meaningful look with the monkey and then turns to Asriel.

"You can choose the name of her daemon, I don't care" She says coldly and then turns to sit on the bed with her back to him "When you leave, close the door".

A moment of silence ensued when the baby started to cry.

Marisa squeezed her eyes tight and held the bed sheets, her daemon continued to stare at Asriel.

"Goodbye, Marisa"

She hears the door click shut and then everything else collapses.

Marisa collides with the floor and rests her head on her knees, the woman scratches her arms hard and bites her lips until she feels her blood on her tongue.

She feels the monkey's paw on her arm.

In a quick movement she slaps the monkey with her hand and pushes him across the room.

"Never touch me again!"She yells at the golden monkey that moans in response.

The woman holds the pain within her and she knows it has to be that way from now on.

It's just her from now on.

She will triumph over everyone and use them to win.

Because she no longer Marisa Coulter, lover of Lord Asriel and mother of a bastard child.

She is Mrs.Coulter, exemplary wife of Edward Coulter, a faithful servant of the church and one of the best liars who ever lived in this earth.

"Strength is Salvation, remember that Marisa" The woman speaks into the silent room.


	2. Little Lies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The universe works in ways that even physics cannot explain, sometimes things happen by chance, with no time or date, just coincidence. Scholars like Marisa Coulter would never call that fate, not when the chances of something happening are one in a million.  
> But there, completely lost in thoughts and feelings, she wonders about what are the chances of her ex lover and the daughter she abandoned being in the same building as her?!  
> She would say none if she wasn't looking at the two faces that she tried to forget for 12 years.
> 
> A look at what would have happened if Edward never found out about the baby and Asriel had the chance to raise Lyra.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you enjoy it!❤️

_**Little Lies** _

She opened her eyes at once. As soon as she realized that she had slept while listening to one more of her father's stories, this time it was an adventure with polar bears and snow, she could even feel the cold on her skin, just by the way he described everything.

Asriel was an explorer. Which meant he spent a lot of time away, traveling.In some travels Lyra was his assistant, writing down coordinates, inspecting research material and ensuring that nothing was overlooked.

It was fun most of the time.

But those were simple trips. Short periods when she spent in the air, or at sea, even on dry land, camping in canvas huts in clearings in the forests.But she always longed for more.More adventures, more stories.

She wanted more. She wanted to trade with bears and wanted to know more about her father's recent trips to the north.Trips he had refused to tell the reason for.With the same phrase as always: “You are too young for this”.

But she wasn’t.Or at least she didn't think she was.She was big, especially if she put on extra socks and stood on tiptoe. Lyra couldn't wait to grow up and venture into the world and have her own stories." And count them.Yes... Everyone would love to know what the greatest explorer in the world was doing.She has someone to look up. She is the daughter of Lord Asriel and ....

The girl frowned and sighed. All she knew about her mother was that she was Beautiful, intelligent, and with the adventurous spirit of a penguin. Well... maybe not a penguin, she believed they were adventurous because of migrations and maybe she would have a better animal for comparison if only she had met her mother.  
She had died so that Lyra could be born. That's what she discovered after complaining a lot with her dad, and then she stopped asking, it was a delicate subject in the house. Everyone always got annoyed at the end of these discussions, Lyra for not having all the answers, and Asriel for not enjoying talking about it ... It was her fault, even if he didn't admit she knew. If she didn't ... If she hadn't been born it wouldn't have happened, and her mother wouldn't be a prohibited subject at home, because she would be alive. Maybe baking cookies or traveling the world. Perhaps she was as beautiful as the women she had seen at one of the many dinners at which she went with her father. She wanted so badly to look like her mom.

Lyra got up getting rid of the cotton sheets with little blue flowers embroidered in the four corners, ran to the chest that was below the big window and opened it taking out a lilac blanket.The knitting was worn and smelled of mold, but that piece of fabric was what made her feel closer to her mother.The girl closed her eyes and hugged the old blanket.

"Is it possible to miss someone you've never met?"

"Lyra..." Pan climbed her arm and settled on her neck like a small thrush. "We overslept ..."

“Oh Pan... You don't know the dream I had.We went to the North!It was incredible...” She folded the cover gently and put it away, getting up, getting rid of her pajamas and taking her clothes from the closet “Do you think it will take too long for us to go north?”

"You heard him... we’re too young." She rolled her eyes, putting on her shoes.

"And when will we be in the right age?When we are the age ofJordan’s Master?I need adventures, Pan. We both do.”

The girl stared at the mirror, examining from the shoes to the jumpsuit in the button-down shirt.She put her hands in her pockets and smiled as she took a candy from one of them.She put it in her mouth and ran out the door.

It was a new day.A beautiful sunny summer day.Where she could go up to the roof to see the sunset and after feeling the rain live her hair. Summer days were the best. Lyra felt embraced by the heat, welcomed by the rain.She had been born in a storm (one of the few pieces of information her father was willing to tell), one of the biggest storms ever.

The child climbed the railing, adjusting herself as only she would know, tilted her body to a different angle and slid to the end of the delicately carved wooden structure. The first two times she had fallen, but nothing that would hurt her badly or upset Asriel. It was only the third time that she discovered that if she tilted her body forward and not back, she would be able to descend faster without any abrasions.

Pan flew over her head and she smiled

“Today, we are free” She opened a wide smile.“Whoever arrives in the room first chooses the first game.”

And she ran out, bumping into one of the maids on the way.Pan was the first to arrive at the big table.He landed in the usual chair where Lyra always sat.The girl arrived next, breathless and loud.What made Asriel click his tongue and look at her.

She shrugged, the images of the last beating hit her like a cannon, she shivered as she remembered the belt hitting her legs.It wasn't like it was the first and it wouldn't be the last he beats her, but she would hate it before one of the trips.

Lyra twisted her bottom lip slightly, staring at what she thought was the thousandth time, that furniture, past the mahogany table and chairs with the moss green upholstery and the large windows, which went from ceiling to floor, with cream curtains.The wallpaper was the same color, but with small arabesques in two darker shades and two chandeliers hung from the ceiling, one at each end of the table, she liked to watch when the light hit the small hanging crystals, creating a play of lightswith small rainbows that occasionally hit the wall opposite the windows, where a huge picture was just above the fireplace, large chrysanthemums painted on a black background.She remembered perfectly the explanation her father had given when she asked the first time.Chrysanthemums were a typical autumn flower, they could mean truth and tranquility, but they were also seen as a mediator between heaven and earth, life and death.

"You’re late" He poured coffee and looked at her with his ‘chess look’, well... that's what she called it when he subtly shifted his arched brow, from left to right and vice versa, and then turned to pieces counting the score of the ones she had taken from him.They were always pawns, towers, horses and bishops.But never the queen.

That was a strange craze, for Asriel it could mean that she just liked the white ivory piece, because of the light undulations delicately carved up to form a crown.But deep down he knew the real reason.The queen never died in any of the games.Even if the girl was about to lose, even though she knew all the moves.Even if she sacrificed the King. She would always protect her Queen.

She sat next to him and smiled.

"Pan delayed me." She took one of the breads in the basket and was thankful to find they were filled with jam “He hid my shoes.”

She reached over and took the milk that had just been boiled with fennel.

“Oh, really?” He left the notebook on the table and brought the cup to his mouth "Maybe Pan should be grounded, don't you think?"

“He's been pretty naughty but not really” She bit the bread.

Her daemon has turned into a small white ferret.

"He knows you’re lying" Pan whispered in her ear.

"I don't think he will behave on our next trip ...." Asriel smiled when he saw her eyes shine. "And how if he doesn’t go, you also don’t go”

“What?!No!He will behave!I will behave!”

"You can start by telling the truth then" And there was the serious look again.

"I..." She looked at the floor "I was... I overslept. And I kept thinking about... mom ... And...”

He sighed.

"You better eat. When I leave this table the breakfast is over.” The man picked up the notebook again and flipped through a few pages.

"Do you have a picture of her? Or... Letters? Or... I don't know... what... what was she like?”

Asriel looked at her again, took a deep breath and tightened his jaw.

"You won't give up, will you?"

"I... I don't want to upset you... I just... wanted more stories."

He finished the coffee in the cup.

"I don't remember her that much, Lyra..."

"What?"The girl asked disappointed.

He fixed his gaze on a point behind her.

"I don't remember her so much, Lyra... She was just anyone, I only dated her once... Someone came here with you one night and said she died in childbirth, she wasn’t from a rich family so the details of her deathweren’t released" Asriel speaks without looking the girl in the eyes.

"Who was the person who left me?"The girl asks with sad eyes.

"A woman... or maybe a man... I'm not sure, it's been a long time" The man shrugs.

"How did you meet?"She put her hands together in anticipation and he denied it.

"No. You aren’t old enough to know that yet ..." He shakes his head, running his free hand over the back of his neck.

"Do you even remember what she looked like?"Lyra felt tears in her eyes, but she bit her lip and pushed them away.

"Well ... there's not much to tell .... you look a little bit like her. Maybe she would like to know that you look more like her now. But one thing I know, I can remember very well... she was a great liar" His words were full of poison “Just like you, but you lie a lot worse. Your mother could deceive the smartest of all creatures and it would obey her thinking that what it was doing was their own idea"

"I lie well!"The girl protested.

"Maybe" He laughed "But not like her".

"Do I really look like her?" He nodded somewhat reluctantly.

"The hair, the nose, the way you twist your lip when you think of a difficult move and when you smile..." He listed the details as if he had spent more than a day with the woman.

"I think you remember her well" Lyra thought out loud "Maybe you spent more than a day with her"

Involuntarily one corner of his mouth went up and he shook his head.

"Why were you interested in that today?"The man asked ignoring the girl's last remark.

"Nothing special, I just... I miss her" The girl sighed with an emptiness in her chest almost as big as her curiosity.

"You didn't know her, Lyra. And if you did ..." He broke off the phrase "She is... was... I never really met her."

"Would she tell me stories and put me to sleep? How does Ma Costa do sometimes?"Lyra reflects lost in dreams about her perfect mother.

"Yeah ... maybe ... Probably not. I don't think she was the sentimental type. She seemed to support the world with just a look, maybe that's what caught my attention that night. I remember feeling like I had two options: loving her with all my heart or hating her with the same intensity" Asriel squeezes the arm of the chair.

"And you ... loved her ... didn't you?"

His face turned into a grimace.

"I didn't stay with her very long to love her, Lyra... But if I had to choose between the two, I would probably hate her" The girl raised an eyebrow "This is also hers. The eyebrows."

"And it's also your chess look" she says, remembering the man's arched eyebrows.

"What is it?"Asriel asks confused.

The girl smiled and shook her head.

"Tell me more... What did you do the day you met? How was she dressed?"Lyra rests her elbows on the table.

"It’s already good for today"He waited for her to finish the milk and stood up "You better pack your things. Get those party dresses. You'll need them."

"Where are we going?"She stood with Pan clinging to her neck.

"It’s a very important trip. We’re going to make contacts and keep up appearances."He speaks categorically.

Before he can go, Lyra grabs the man's arm.

"Do you have a picture of her? Of my mom?" Asriel closed his eyes.

"Lyra, she was a stranger to me ..." The girl's face fell considerably and then the man sighed "Maybe... I don't know... maybe It could be in one of the chests in the attic" He lied.

"Can I search?"The girl's eyes light up.

"You can... after you pack your things"

She smiled and hugged him but he went still, the panther stared at him sitting, her big eyes on Lyra and Pan.

"Thank you ..." She released him taking a step back and holding her own hands in front of her body.

"For what?"The man frowned.

"Don't forget about her... Can I... can I ask just one more thing? I promise not to ask anything more for a long time...”

He sighed heavily.

“Be quick” 

"What was her daemon?"He locked his jaw and she prepared for a slap that didn't come.Asriel kept his hands in his pockets, but he still looked terribly threatening.

She looked at him and the girl held her breath and shrugged once more.The panther encircled the man with its tail up.

"That’s enough, Lyra."

“B-but...”

"You’re done or you will be beaten instead of traveling."

She felt her eyes sting, but she ruled out any possibility that tears might escape.She wasn't going to cry, she wasn't weak and she wasn't going to look weak in front of him. So she just nodded.

"Okay..." That was an important trip, all trips were.She didn't know when she would have a chance to get out of that huge house or not get stuck at Jordan College.And as much as she was curious about her mother, she knew more than anyone how to set her priorities.

She waited for him to leave accompanied by Stelmaria and released all the air she was holding.

"Are you okay?" Pan whispered in her ear, the whiskers of his mouse shape tickling below her ear.

“I am.We can find out about her with the photos in the attic.There must be something left, right?”

She hoped it was true.From the information she'd gotten since she started asking, she knew that all of her mother's traces, or most of them, had been destroyed by him.

Lyra thinks her father loved her mother, even after what he said. Even if he said she was just “one night”.

Lyra liked to imagine her parents as couples from fairytale books, a love so strong that it could overcome any barrier.But theirs hadn't gotten over death, so her father couldn't take it and tried to erase his mother's existence.

A love so strong that the loss had become hate. The two sides of a coin.

_** Marisa’s POV ** _

The smell of fresh bread and hot tea fills my nostrils, I feel the London breeze gently touch my face.

Today is one of those days that I appreciate, the sun hides behind great masses of gray clouds and the cold air is bearable, it’s days like these that remind me of the icy northern landscape, where the sky seems endless and the glaciersmountains impossible to climb.

If I close my eyes I can feel that pleasant loneliness and magnificence that I can only find there, where nothing can live and neither grow.

“Daydreaming, dear?” I hear the male voice speaking and then the noise of the chair being pulled.

I open my eyes to face my beloved husband, his hair once blond is now a mixture of white and a very light yellow, his blue eyes look like two marbles amid the wrinkles.

I try not to make a face as soon as I see him, in fact, I try not to do it every time I see the 54-year-old man in front of me.

"I'm just thinking, darling" I smile sweetly and tilt my head to face him.

“Don't think too much, Marisa. It doesn't accentuate your beauty” He comments opening the newspaper.

It’s at times like this that I imagine myself behind him with his favorite tie wrapped around my wrist while I strangle him.

“Oh, dear, don’t forget that it’s because of my mind that you are sitting in that chair and living in this apartment, or did you forget that it was because of my work that we fell into Cardinal’s graces and we have higher positions in the Magisterium? "I give him a sharp look. "So it may not make me more beautiful, dear husband, but it makes you more incompetent."

I smile when I see the vein on his forehead jump and his ears turn red.

“Be careful what you say, Marisa! I... ”He puts the newspaper down.

His gazelle-shaped daemon faces the golden monkey.

"Or what, Edward?"I get up from my chair and cross the balcony until I sit on his lap "We both know, my love, that you cannot live without me".

I feel like moving away when I see Edward lean towards me and stick his lips to mine.

It was an awkward kiss, like all the ones he gave me, but Edward seemed completely satisfied, especially when I feel his hands peeked into my purple silk nightgown.

His disgusting tongue explores mine, even after 14 years of marriage, it has never become something appreciable, just tolerable.

The feeling of contempt burns through the golden monkey, but he doesn't hide it as well as I do, because while the gazelle touches his golden hair the daemon grips her skin very tightly.

“Mrs. Coulter the ... oh sorry ... ”I hear one of the maids calling.

I walk away from Edward quickly, secretly grateful for the interruption (I was already beginning to feel his cock harden inside his pants) and turn to face the maid.

"What is it, Claire?"I smile politely, although I know that she sleeps with my husband when I'm not home.

“Fra Pavel is on the phone, he says it’s an important matter” The redhead speaks.

"I'm going in a minute" I say.

"What does he want with you?"Edward asks with a twinge of envy in his voice.

"I'll only know when I answer it" I sigh and start to get up from the man's lap but he pulls me back.

"Let's finish what we were doing ..." He purred in my ear as he grabbed my waist.

"Stop, Edward ..." I fake a laugh and try to get away from him "I'll give you double everything you're thinking ... but first I have to take the call"

I manage to free myself from the older man's arms but he grabs my wrist.

"Promise?"He asks with malice in his eyes.

The look on his face makes me want to throw up, just like every time he's inside me.

"I promise" I smile and kiss his thin lips.

I finally let go of his clutches and walk to the office where Fra Pavel was patiently waiting.I feel the golden monkey look at Edward with disgust before following me.

“Hello, Fra Pavel” I say with the phone in my ear.

"Hello, Mrs.Coulter, I bring the Cardinal's orders" The man speaks in his polite voice.

"Um... it's always a pleasure to obey Church orders, what can I do for you?"I expose the maximum sweetness in my voice.

“We want you to represent the Magisterium at a conference with a select group of men from the church,” He says almost reluctantly.

"Oh, it will be a pleasure!"I can't hide my happiness.

A woman representing the Magisterium in official business?! This would’ve been impossible before, but finally my efforts are having some impact.

“The airship left tomorrow at nine in the morning towards Trollisund” Fra Pavel informs.

"Oh, so it will be in Trollesund ..." What does the Magisterium want to discuss in the North?

"Is it too sudden for you?"I hear sarcasm in his voice.

“No, of course not, Fra Pavel, I will be more than honored to go” I sit on the arm of the sofa “What will the conference be about?I just want to be aware of my role on the trip...” I speak softly.

The monkey's eyes look at me steadily, I know he disapproves of my conduct in the church, although I never really cared about what he thinks of me.

“We need your skills in experimental and physical theology” He explains “It’s an exploration conference to the north, many explorers will be there to explain their findings and ask for funding, and the Magisterium, obviously, must be aware of everything.But our priests aren’t theologians, so we ask for your presence.”

"Oh, I see ..." I reflect as thoughts fill my mind.

It’s a very sudden encounter, I have never heard of a conference with all the explorers in the north, and until then the Magisterium's only interest in the North was the Station, which is hidden in the most distant place behind the glaciers.How much can this agglomeration in the North hinder my work?

And what kind of explorers would want something in that place?Certainly, they are too crazy or too brave to face the monopoly of the Magisterium and the terrorism of the native tribes.

Who would be but... oh no... damn it.

“Mrs.Coulter? Are you still there?" The religious man asks.

“Yes, yes, Fra Pavel!I was just wondering something” I pause before saying “Who are the explorers who will be there?Maybe I know the work of one of them ... ”

“I don't know about everyone, the place will be full of these people ...” He speaks with contempt “I know that John McLean will be attending, Matthew Backer, Thomas Portner, Julio Gullar, some professors from Jordan college and of course, Lord Asriel Belacqua... ”

"Will Asriel attend?!"My voice shakes.

"Yes, Mrs.Coulter" I feel my stomach sinking "Is there a problem?"

“No, there’s no problem” I laugh lightly “I know some of Asriel’s research”

“The Magisterium is aware of the character of Asriel Belacqua's research, but unfortunately the man knows how to hide evidence, we’re still unable to prove the heresies he preaches” Fra Pavel speaks with disgust.

"I'm sure it will change someday" I say absently "Is that all?"

“Oh, no, I almost forgot” The man hurries “I want you to bring your husband, we need Mr. Coulter to take care of the bureaucratic part of the event, it’s advantageous for the Magisterium to have a politician like Edward to represent us. Lord Boreal will join your husband when he finishes some personal matters.”

_Great_ I think _Edward, Carlo and Asriel in the same place._

_"You can't run from everything forever, Marisa"_ I hear the monkey's voice in my mind, mocking me.

"Shut up" I snarl at the golden creature.

“Sorry, Mrs.Coulter?Did you talk to me?"Frei Pavel asks confused.

"Oh, no! I was just asking for the duration of the trip” I speak hastily.

"The conference will last 15 days" He replies.

"Sorry, did you say 15 days?"

"Exactly, Do you have some problem with that?" The man asks with malice.

Of course there was something wrong with that!A 15-day conference having to face my lover and my former lover with my husband seems to be the beginning of a _very fun trip_.

"Of course not" I smile "Thank the Cardinal for the preference."

“Sure” He sighs impatiently “Give my regards to your husband.Goodbye, Marisa.”

"Goodbye, Fra Pavel!"

And then the line goes silent.

I slowly lower the phone from my ear and let out my breath.

The proposal was too good to refuse. If I go on this trip, I can expand influences and find out which explorers are interested in the areas near the Station.

And even if it wasn't ideal and I totally prefer the opposite, bringing Edward along was not really the problem, I can handle him as I please.Just like Boreal, as annoying and irritating as he can be, I have him under my control.

Asriel... this is a particularly peculiar case.

We ran into each other a few times over the years at the Arctic Institute, but in addition to the looks of hatred exchanged and the pose of annoying superiority, he also made a point of letting out occasional spins.Something that can draw attention, especially in a room full of intuitive people.

Overall, Asriel was unpredictable.

_“Be honest, Marisa. There’s something else that you fear”_ The monkey teases.

"I'm not afraid of him" I reply with eyes full of anger.

_“I'm not just talking about him, I'm talking about his daughter”_ His small black eyes look at me boldly.

I feel my posture fail and I struggle to put the memories out of my mind.

"You don't know anything" I bite my lip hard.

_ "I know everything"  _

When I get up to grab the monkey, Edward's voice calls out on the balcony door.

"What did he want, Marisa?" The man asks holding a glass of brandy.

I get up correctly and push my feelings deep into my soul, then walk over to Edward and away from the monkey.

"Pack your bags, dear" I smile and put my hands on his chest "We’re going on a trip".

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It was so hard to make Marisa’s POV in first person! Tell me what you think about the chapter and if you want a update ☺️
> 
> P.S thanks A❤️


	3. Past Ghosts

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I hope you enjoy it!

_**Past Ghosts** _

Love Hurts.

That's what she thought when the slap hit her in the face and the blue adder, her mother's daemon, attacks hers by wrapping herself around the ribs of the small dog shape and crushing the ribs. The green and violet scales changed the color according to the light.

The reason for this turn of events was the juice stain on her White dress that had just happened because the blue adder had hit her tail hard on her glass, but no explanation would save her away from that now.

The girl narrowed her eyes feeling the pain of the attack, her knees failed and she hit the floor. Marisa locked her jaw, avoiding the woman's contemptuous look. The same look that almost everyone she met had.She wouldn’t cry. Not in front of her.

Her mother was severe, even before her father's sudden death. There were rules and more rules about how she should behave and how... It would be better if she just did everything the woman asked, but she wasn’t going to budge. The adder tightened its daemon and the girl could feel all the air coming out of her lungs.

The woman in front of her clicked her tongue, shaking her head. A smile cut across her face.It was like a predator about to attack and the girl there on the ground knew she was just getting started.

The adder dropped Marisa’s daemon slowly and moved away, just staying close enough for a new attack, if necessary. The dog-shaped daemon changed to a small monkey and climbed her back until it snuggled into her neck.

“You are an idiot Marisa, you’re useless. You’re nothing! You always were. You're weak.” She frowned and twisted her lip, trying to ignore the burning that grew in her chest with every word the woman said.

She clenched her fists.

"I'm not weak" she said through a grinding of teeth.

"No... of course not" she laughed, standing over the child "Do you know why I haven't hit that face of yours yet on that wall?" Mrs. Delamarepushed her over to the mirror holding her face tightly "Answer!" Marisa closed her eyes receiving a pinch on her bare arm “Look at you!”

One push and she was on the floor again.The woman walked over to the closet slowly and opened it taking out one of her old father's belts. The girl hugged her daemon, stroking it behind her ears as if saying that everything would be fine.

Her mother bent down, bringing her face closer to hers.

"Do you think you're smarter than me?!"The older one screamed, her big blue eyes as menacing as ever. They had never been filled with love, or happiness.At least never when they looked at her. And that was worse than any other punishment. Marisa looked away "Answer me when I’m speaking to you!"

"No!"She screamed and another slap hit her and then another, the metallic taste of blood invaded her lips and she almost shed a tear, but there was no reason to cry. Not when beatings were more frequent than days in a good mood and she knew the moment she saw her mother's gaze fall on her that the next day would be just the day when she would lie down with one of the maids taking care of the wounds. The next day would be the worst and it made her not fear the present moment.

She fixed her eyes on the woman in front of her. Facing all the disgust stuck there. The pain came next, burning her left arm. She continued and stared at each of the straps that the older one hit.

She closed her eyes when her mother finally got tired and left the room taking the adder with her. Her unnamed daemon turned into a hare and jumped closer to her. The girl got up with difficulty and her body shook. Her dress was now stained with her blood and yellow juice, which had been the reason for all this. A tear ran down her face.

"It's okay... she won't be back anymore" she stroked the daemon's ears and then picked him up. "We can go up there..."

She poked her head out of the room making sure it was empty and ran to hers.The completely white environment with some golden details made her sigh.She closed the door tightly, her mother was unable to even name her daemon, she wouldn’t be able to decorate her room.It was all cold and indifferent as well as all the treatment she received.

She sighed and dropped the daemon on the floor.

"Do you think we should take a pillow?"The daemon turned into a dog and ran to the bed pulling the cover with his teeth. She opened the window and went back to the bed taking the blanket “You are right. It’s cold."

She went out the window with more difficulty than she normally would have. It wasn't difficult to get to the roof, she just needed to know where to hang on to the ledge. And she did.

Reaching the highest part and sitting with her back against the chimney. She tried to touch her injured arm, but the now cat-shaped daemon prevented her from sitting on her lap and pulling the cover over her.She sighed.

"Look up to the sky... Can you see?" she stared at the sky and pointed to the stars "That is the Fox. Dad showed us once... That is the Dragon and that is Lyra... this one is my favorite... ”

The cat looked at her and purred. Marisa felt her eyes water and finally allowed herself to cry.

"I know ..." She continued to stare at the last constellation "I wouldn't be able to get very far if I ran away... it's a stupid idea... I just need to wait a few more years. And then I’ll get a husband and she won't be able to order me anymore. But he needs to be an idiot” The animal grunted, tapping his paw lightly on her belly and she laughed “Love doesn't exist.And if there is, it’s bad. Very, very bad. Don’t you see? She tells everyone that she loves me and... ”

She broke off the sentence wiping her face

“You don't even have a name… all other daemons have a name. And she didn't even give you a name!” He turned into a little mouse and ran to her neck “I know... I can't give you a name... We will never be like other children.But we will take over the world. When we’re adults. I promise you. Everyone will be at our feet. Nobody will ever treat us like that.”

She felt her arm throb and Marisa closed her eyes.

Love hurts, that was the only thing that always surrounded her mind.She wasn't sure how to explain great physics formulas or say the name of all the constellations, but she knew she wasn't happy and she wouldn't be until she left this house. Until she was away from the woman who gave her life.She had a plan.

And that plan would never include love.

Because love destroys everything that it touches like a plague attacking the rose bushes or her mother holding the belt hitting it against her skin day after day.

_** 22 years later ** _

The airship's engines hummed in the private room where Lyra sat impatiently next to Pan.

"I think he's lying to us, Pan" Lyra whispers to her daemon.

"I didn't think he was going to tell the truth anyway" Pan said, the daemon was in its ermine shape and was trying to climb the airship’s window glass.

"I thought so" Lyra squinted at Pan and then looked at Asriel who was sitting in a cubicle on the opposite side of the room with his back to her.

The man had been working on his papers since they boarded the airship 5 hours ago and fought whenever Lyra tried to get attention or asked to explore the place.

The truth was that Asriel had no time and no patience for any antics the girl was going to have and it was a lot easier to just forget that she was there and keep working.

"I hate being in prison..." The girl speaks loudly, throwing her arms dramatically on the seat upholstery.

Asriel chose to ignore her. She had already tried various tactics to get the man's attention, but instead of fighting, he started to ignore the girl's dramatic laments. Asriel seems worse than the soldiers outside Buckingham Palace with their daemons as static as their owners.

Pan gave up on the window and turned into a wildcat to sit on Lyra's lap.

"If you keep insisting, he'll beat us up and you know I feel everything you feel, don't you?"Pan rests his front legs on Lyra's chest.

"I know, Pan! It's just... we searched that entire attic for the picture and found nothing of it! No picture! I don't understand why he does that, Pan..." The girl leans her head against the window.

"Me neither" The daemon says "But we don't know everything he does."

Lyra sighs and looks at the landscape in the window, all she can see is clouds and more clouds, the sky looked like a great mass of cement.

"I wish he... I don't know... he was more like..."

"Farder Coram?"Pan asks now settling on Lyra's lap in her red panda shape.

"Yes" She agrees "I wish that besides being smart and brave, he was also... nice"

"He loves us, Lyra"

“He never said that, Pan” The girl replies “He puts us to bed sometimes, brings us some gifts, he teaches us, takes us on some trips, corrects us when we do something wrong, tells us some stories... but he never said he loved us.”

"Maybe..." Pan gets up from Lyra's legs and stands on his hind legs "This is his way of saying that he loves us."

“You could be right” The girl folds her arms and frowns, starting to get upset “But it's still not enough, at least I wanted him to stay at home and talk to me for real.Don't you think we deserve nice things, for once?”

"Of course we do" Pan agrees by leaning his furry body to hug Lyra.

She kisses Pan’s head and holds him close to her.

"Where do you think we're going, Pan?"The girl asks looking out the window.

Asriel didn’t give any details of where were going since they left the ground and Lyra also didn’t ask many questions since she was very excited to leave Belacqua Mansion and go with her father on a trip, instead of being stuck at Jordan college with the professors and the Master as babysitters.

"I don't know, he didn't say much after we left Jordan college" The daemon replies.

With the name of the college shining a second time in her mind, Lyra's thoughts turn to her best friend Roger, a kitchen boy who works in the building.

"Roger would love to come with us, don't you think?" Lyra smiles at the thought of the lanky blond boy.

"I don't think so, he's too scared" Pan now turns into a rat and climbs onto Lyra's shoulder.

"Weren't you the one who was begging me to stay in college instead of coming with dad?!"Lyra laughs and raises an eyebrow at her other half.

"Of course not!"The daemon leaves the girl's shoulder and flies like a butterfly to the other side of the seat.

"You don’t need to be angry, I’ll keep your secret" Lyra teases him and laughs out loud when he lets out a grunt.

Lyra's laughter catches Stelmaria’s attention, Lord Asriel's daemon, who was sitting at the man's feet.The panther lazily turns her head towards them and looks at them with stern eyes.

"Shut up you two" She scolds them.

This brings an insolent smile to Lyra's lips and then the girl gets up and walks over to the cubicle where her father works.

"What are you doing?" Pan whispers desperately to Lyra.

Lyra ignores him and walks over to her father and then sits down in the chair opposite him.

"I won’t let you drive the airship, Lyra" The man informs without fully acknowledging the presence of his daughter.

"I didn't come to ask you that..." Lyra rolls her eyes "You didn't tell us where we're going"

The man absently nods and sighs.

"We are going north"

From the moment the words come out of her father's mouth, the girl's heart starts to race fast and the excitement bubbles in her stomach, Lyra almost jumps out of her seat.

"Seriously? Shall we see Svalbard's bears?!Or talk to the witches?!”The girl's eyes are wide as millions of thoughts bombard her childish mind.

Finally Asriel looks up and the corner of his lip lifts a little.

"No, no... it's a conference" He sighs and drops his pen on the table.

"Conference? What is it? What is this conference for?” The girl's face frowns in confusion.

“It’s a conference that brings together all explorers with research aimed at the north, apparently the Magisterium wants to possess even the most remote areas of the world” The man comments angrily “It’s unnecessary the desire that people with such small minds have about something they just can't understand, like science. ”

The girl analyzes her father's posture, he looks extremely tired and irritable, much more than normal, and he seems to have not slept well in many days. Lyra knows how much the Magisterium has blocked her father's research and how much the institution displeases the man. Lyra knows that if Asriel could exterminate the church, he would.

"Do you have any guesses as to what they are looking for?" Lyra asks.

"I have a hunch..." He folds his arms and turns his head to the side, Lyra swore if she tried hard enough, she could hear what he was thinking.

"Who are the explorers that will go?"Lyra asks excitedly, after all, she had spent most of her childhood reading about exploration in the large library at the Belacqua Mansion and considered the men in these stories as great heroes.

"Thomas Portner, Leonard Broken Arrow ..."

"Are you talking about the Skraeling that mapped the currents of the Great Northern Ocean?!" Lyra's mouth drops in surprise.

"Sometimes we call him Eliezer, but yes, he will be there" Asriel shrugs.

"Wow... this is going to be so cool" The girl grins.

“But don't think you are going to be strolling about the place! I'm taking you because Thorold will be very busy with my equipment and I need you to take notes. Do you still remember the physics and geography lessons I taught you?”He raises an eyebrow.

"Yes" Lyra responds excitedly.

"Great. So I... ”Asriel is interrupted by a knock on the door “Come in.”

The door opened to reveal Thorold, Asriel's servant, carrying an envelope in his hands, his canine daemon walking behind him.

"This package arrived for you last night" The elderly man hands the envelope to Lord Asriel "I’m delivering it now because you were too busy with the trip."

"Okay, Thorold" Asriel starts to open the package and pull out a letter "You can go."

Lyra watches as the man reads the letter, his brow furrows several times and at the end he lets out a sigh and shakes his head, slowly lowering the letter.

"What happened?" Lyra asks when she sees her father's expression.

"It's Maggie..." Asriel sighs a second time.

"What happened to Ma Costa?"Lyra's stomach sinks.

"Nothing to her... it's Billy, he disappeared yesterday during Tony's celebration"

Lyra is silent for a moment.She knows Billy and Tony very well and considers them brothers, even though they often got into street fights with the girl and that Lyra already stole Ma Costa's boat to see if it had a cork, but at the end of the day, they were such good friends, they had almost been raised together since Ma Costa had been her nanny when the woman visited Oxford.

"How did this happen? Do they know who took him?” The girl wrinkled her forehead.

"All it says in the letter is that it was a man with a fox-shaped daemon, but there’re a lot of men with fox daemons so I don't think it's really a clue." He rubs the back of his neck.

A thought quickly hit Lyra.

_The Gobblers_ Pan think.

The girl remembers the stories that run through the streets of Oxford between gyptian and servant’s children. There’re several reports of children being stolen from their families, many versions of this story have been invented and Lyra believes in a few, some say it was a man with the fox-shaped daemon and others say it is a beautiful woman with black hair.

"Do you think it could be the Gobblers?"The girl lets out.

"Gobblers?" Asriel looks at her "Where did you get it from?"

"Oxford kids talk a lot about Gobblers, they say they steal children and take them to terrible places" Lyra shivers a little.

“I think I've heard of it” The man reflects “But anyway, the gyptians are gathering to find the children and I'm sure they won't rest until they find out where they are... well, it won't be pretty when they find the one responsible for that.”

The girl is a little scared when she sees the smile growing on her father's reflective face.

But she was more concerned with the other children to really think about it.

“And Roger?! Will he be okay?!” The girl's eyes widen with concern.

“Roger? You are talking about the kitchen boy”

"Yes! He is my friend! I said goodbye to him quickly before boarding! Will he be okay?! We should have brought him with us! Who will protect him?! I have to call the college! ”The girl stands up abruptly.

"No, no! Sit down!” Asriel orders angrily "The boy will be fine and if you stop with the dramatics, I will let you communicate with the college when we reach our destination."

The girl crosses her arms and closes her face.

"Okay..." She mumbles.

“We are in the middle of the trip, Asriel” Stelmaria reports some time later.

“Yes, it’s good to arrive early, we have a lot to do” He returns to arrange his papers “Now Lyra, I advise you to go do something productive, for example... review your cartography notes or at least read a book.”

The man turns to face the papers and ignores the girl in front of him.

"But I..." Lyra starts to plead.

"That wasn’t a request" Asriel speaks without looking at Lyra and Stelmaria snarls at the girl and her daemon.

"Okay..." Lyra sighs and goes back to her old place at the end of the room.

They landed in the icy northern lands five hours later, Lyra was bundled in her warm coats, hat and gloves, Pan wrapped around her neck like an ermine to try and warm her up.

Lyra tried to hide from the sudden discomfort of the cold, since she had never been used to temperatures as low as this, after all, she had never been in the North.

Her father, who watched her jump restlessly on tiptoe and hug her body to keep the heat inside her coat, sighed and went over to her.

"This is one of the coldest months of the year, I would be surprised if you weren't freezing to death" He puts his hand in his pockets and looks at her.

"I'm not cold" The girl stubbornly insists.

"Of course not" He rolls his eyes "Come here, stay close to me so you aren’t going to have numb legs. I don't want to have to carry you around."

He pulls the girl's thin arm close to him and runs his hand over her shoulders holding her tightly. Lyra, a little intimidated by their proximity, since Asriel never liked physical contact, tried to relax while she put her arm around the man's waist.

"Where are we going?"The girl asks as they start walking.

"We are going to the center of Trollesund and there we are going to take a sledge to the seat of the conference" He replies walking hurriedly to the city that was a few meters away.

"And why isn't the building in Trollesund?"Lyra asks.

"I'm not sure, but I think it’s to not attract too much attention and besides, Trollesund isn’t well known for having a good structure" Asriel licks his lips "Thorold, is it going well back there? Did you get everything we need?"

The servant, who was walking behind the father and daughter pair, was pushing heavy suitcases and a cargo sled, and appeared to be pushing to slide it over the snow.

"All right, sir! The rest of the equipment will be sent to your lab today" The older man breathlessly speaks.

"Are you going to have your own lab in that place?"Lyra raised her eyebrows.

"What do you think my condition was to be here?!" He winks at her.

It’s in these moments that Lyra is immensely proud of her father, a tall, strong, proud, brave and excellent explorer! The girl may not be so close to her father, but she certainly respects the wildness that exudes from him.

"We're here, Asriel" Stelmaria says as soon as they arrive on the busy street "I think you'd better look for the sled if you want to get there before 18:00 pm."

Asriel drops the girl and then turns to Thorold.

"Stay here with Lyra while I bring the sled and don't let her out of sight" he orders.

"Hey! I don't need him to keep an eye on me!"The girl exclaims offended.

"Lyra, now is no time for jokes" He turns his back on the girl and makes his way through the crowd.

Lyra snorts and sits on a wooden bench in the central square.

"He treats us like children" The girl sulks.

"And isn't that what we are?" Pan asks tilting his head in his rabbit form.

"Shut up, Pan" Lyra gives him the tongue and he returns the act.

"Stop you two" Thorold interrupts the daemon and the girl "My lord told you to behave!"

"Oh, Thorold ... he's not here" Lyra looks at the older man with big eyes "It would be nice if we went out to see the city, wouldn't it?I had never went to the north... how about you come with me while he's gone? I bet he wouldn't mind... ”

The man looked at the girl with friendly eyes.

“I got a great sled, Thorold!And this man is going to guide us...” Asriel interrupts and Lyra sighs upset because Thorold had almost agreed with her.

"I’m very happy to hear that, my lord!"He turns his head to look at Asriel who was already getting ready inside the big sled.

It took a 15-minute drive out of town to find the Conference’s place.

The building was spread over the mountains and looked very imposing in the middle of all the snow.

It looks more like a very large 6-story mansion than a building to host an important meeting.

The closer they got, the more Lyra could see the details in the elegant structure. The walls are made of black marble that shines in the weak sunlight hidden among the clouds, four large white columns raise the facade, cream-colored windows adorn the floors and the door was too high for the structure, above the large door, metallic letters highlight the acronyms "AEC".

"What is _AEC_ , dad?"Lyra asks Asriel when the group approaches the facade.

"Arctic Exploration Center" He explains.

“Isn't that wonderful, Pan?Have you seen a building like this?” The girl whispers to the daemon.

"No" He whispers back "How many rooms do you think it have inside?"

“I don't know, but I want to try them all” The girl chuckles.

The sled stops slowly in front of the structure and the occupants leave it with heavy muscles and numb from the cold in just 15 minutes of travel.

Asriel paid the man and then took everyone inside the building.

Lyra opens her mouth when she enters the Arctic Exploration Center building. She looks tiny inside the big hall with big chandeliers decorating the reception, a red carpet stretches out the front door and then divides between two big stone stairs, if on the one hand everything on the outside looked dark and imposing, from theinside it looked smooth and clear because the whole palette of colors adorning the place varied from the lighter shades of beige to the darker shade of ivory.

“Wow, Pan! Have you seen this before? It looks bigger than Jordan! Even bigger than our home!” She opened her eyes wide because for the girl nothing was bigger than the Belacqua mansion.

"Lyra, stay here while I go with Thorold to the reception" Asriel approaches her and raises a finger "If you do something stupid I will make you wish you never came on this trip, do you understand?"

"Yes, dad" Lyra agrees obediently.

“Wait for me here! I'll be right back!"

The girl sat in an armchair by the window.

"Look Lyra!"Pan points toward the staircase “The stair railing looks bigger than the one at our house and the one at Jordan college.”

The girl looked slyly at the structure.

"Can we get down here faster than at home?!"

"Perhaps! Just try not to break your leg!”Pan warns.

The girl shrugs and leans her elbow against the windowsill.

"What is that, Pan?"She asks when she sees something moving in the snow.

"It looks like another sled."

And indeed it was.

A sledge as big as Lyra's comes towards the building at least the way Lyra had walked before.

When the sleigh finally stopped, Lyra forgot to breathe for a moment when she saw the beautiful figure of a woman with dark hair, red coat and long boots, her expression was the softest that Lyra had ever seen and even from a distance, the girl felt it was impossible to stop looking at the woman. Although her features are slightly blurred by the moisture in the window, the girl can clearly see the woman's pink cheeks and red lips.

"She's so beautiful, Pan" Lyra whispers to her other half.

"What are you seeing there?!"Asriel's angry voice fills her ears" I called your name three times!"

Lyra drags her head away from the window.

"Nothing, sorry!"The girl apologizes "Can we go to the room now or will they show us a tour of this place?"

"You will be accompanied by that woman over there" He points to a woman standing patiently near the reception desk.

"And you?!Where are you going?"The girl looks at him confused.

“I have to stay here and solve some problems with the luggage that was left on the airship” He says impatiently “Now go quickly and don't be in any trouble! And you should take a shower, you need it!”

The girl looks at him indignantly and watches him return to the reception.

Mouse-shaped pan reaches Lyra and sniffs the girl's neck.

"You smell, Lyra" The daemon wrinkles his nose.

“Okay, okay!I'm going!"She rolls her eyes and walks over to the building maid.

But not before stealing a look at the black-haired woman climbing the steps of the AEC with her monkey daemon behind her.

Marisa Coulter hurried up the stairs of the Arctic Exploration Center, she was supposed to arrive an hour ago but the priests decided that it was all in the time of the Authority so she leaves the airship at its regular speed. It was 59 minutes of hearing Edward bragging and promoting himself to the men of the Magisterium, it was long enough for her to want to throw herself off the airship but instead, she sat down next to her husband and smiled politely at every embarrassing joke he made.

She thanked the Authority for Edward boarding a sleigh different from hers, the one he’s in, leaves the center of Trollesund a little late. Mr. Coulter needed to settle official matters with the Magisterium priests at the institution's headquarters in the city, and of course, Marisa for being a woman couldn't go.

She enters the elegant building and immediately all eyes fall on her, the woman smiles and waves to acquaintances and makes her way to the reception to get her room keys.

"Mrs. Coulter, welcome!”Says the smiling receptionist.

"Oh, thank you..." her polite smile dies when she hears the voice that haunts her for 12 years.

"Marisa?!"Asriel asks, blinking twice to make sure what he is seeing.

The woman slowly turns to face her ex-lover and father of the daughter she rejected.

Her stomach twisted as she met the blue, surprised and furious eyes of the man she thought she loved. But she wouldn't let that shake her confident exterior, she would never let him take control over her again.

Although Marisa smiled politely and took a step closer to the man.

"Hello, Asriel"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think about it ☺️❤️


	4. The meetings

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s a big chapter! I hope you like it! Xx

The air between them could be cut with a knife.

Everything around them seemed to be in slow motion when their eyes met, they were pairs of almost identical blue eyes that showed nothing but equally identical feelings.

12 years of indifference, hatred and sorrows seemed to bubble instantly on the surface of both, although only one of them was able to masterfully hide it.

Asriel's breath hitched when he looked at the woman who managed to awaken in him something that no other did, something other than sex, lust and pleasure, although their short relationship was full of animalistic passion. That woman, who carried a proud and fearless countenance on her face, awoke in Lord Asriel Belacqua something like love, even if the man constantly denies the truth of it, he was never the man of only one. She did something admirable, Asriel admits. But nothing that the time Asriel spent cleaning some diapers, listening to infant cries at dawn, disciplining a naughty child and having to deal with rumors of how a high society man like he became a single father, didn’t erase.

Marisa's feelings weren’t so different, since hatred and contempt remain present between them the few times they met, the only difference being that she felt pleasure to see him like this, looking so lost, moved and surprised to see her. Asriel never demonstrated that before, so seeing that her presence upset him, made Marisa infinitely happy.

"Mrs. Coulter, your keys!" The receptionist says handing over the room keys to the penultimate floor.

Marisa breaks her look at Asriel and smiles sweetly at the girl behind the counter.

"Thank you, dear!" The older woman smiles and without sparing a second look at Asriel, she moves away from the wooden table.

Asriel, dissatisfied with the woman's silence and the fact that she practically ignored his presence, tugged her arm discreetly away from the reception and kept her a few inches away from him, far enough that no one would look at the pair twice.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Asriel asks through gritted teeth.

All the man's thoughts turned to Lyra who was a few floors above their head, the closest the child had been to her mother since she was born.

The woman smiles with the corner of her lip. Her blue eyes scan the man like a lion at his prey. With a steely look, Marisa crosses her arms and raises her eyebrow.

"I don't see how it can be any of your business, Asriel" She twists her mouth.

The irony in the woman's mouth, the scornful eyes and the raised eyebrow in defiance make Asriel want to vomit. Everything in Marisa's features reminded him of his daughter. If the man could, he would throw the woman deep in the past and bury her there with a straight jacket.

They had met before, of course, and Asriel was always as indifferent as possible when he didn’t take the time to tease Marisa, but now, with his daughter so close to that evil and hateful woman who ended up being her mother... there wasn’tmore time for discretion and acidic looks. Now Asriel had to do something, if this is the place that Marisa will stay for the next 15 days, then it’s an uninhabitable place for Lyra.

"Don't pretend, Marisa. You shouldn't be here, this event is for professionals, not for amateurs like you" He puts his hand in his pockets "So I think you should go."

Although anger ran through Marisa's guts, she remained static and giggled with amusement.

"Oh Asriel... bothered by my presence? Don't you realize that it makes me want to stay here even more?" Marisa tilts her head "And you know very well that in all of our field research together, I went ahead of you, so keep saying whatever you want to yourself, nothing will deny the great failure you are"

She saw that it hit a man's nerve when the vein on Asriel's forehead started to stick out on his forehead.

"Failure?" He growled low "The only flaw here is what you call marriage, does my dear friend Edward know that his wife opens her legs to anyone?! After all... how is Boreal?"

"I don't know what you're talking about" Marisa felt her self-control slip through her fingers.

"I know about you and Boreal. I think you have an attraction for Lords, don't you? I don't know if it's because of the money or because your husband doesn't satisfy you, although I dare say it's because of both" Asriel gained the advantage when he realized Marisa's monkey begins to growl at Stelmaria, who remains beside Asriel.

"Although your jealousy amuses me... I advise you not to talk about things you don't know, Asriel" The poison drips down Marisa's lips "Or the things can get a little... hmm... embarrassing for you, especially when your heretical research is on the Magisterium’s radar... I would hate to have to block your funding with an official church warrant."

"Is that a threat, Marisa?"

"I don't make threats, Asriel... I make promises" She takes a step closer to the man.

Stelmaria begins to rise above the monkey.

"Stay out of my way" Asriel clenches his fists.

"So stay out of mine" she warns.

The pair looks at each other intensely.Memories of a time when they were both wrapped in thick sheets while the cold northern air killed everything outside their room played in their minds, it was bittersweet to compare those moments of lust with moments like these, where one wanted nothing more than to jump down the other's throat.

"Marisa!" A thin melodic voice cut through the hall to where Marisa and Asriel were.

A short woman, wearing expensive skins and high heels, walks up to them.

Mrs. Coulter instantly pushes Asriel and advances to the woman with a smile on her face.

"Gwendolyn!" Marisa walks up to the woman and politely greets her with a formal kiss on both cheeks of the other woman.

"How nice to see you! I haven't seen you since our lunch in St. Sofia’s college! Howard and I wanted to call you and Edward for a trip to the Swiss Alps! We travel there all year!"Gwendolyn removes her red hair from her face and smirks.

"We would love to go with you!"Marisa forces a smile and tries to look excited by the proposal, although she wants nothing more than to roll her eyes.

"How great! I have to report it immediately to my husband and... Lord Asriel?! Holy Authority! Where are my manners?!" The woman notices Asriel standing a few feet away from the pair and walking up to the man.

"Hello, Gwendolyn" He sighs and tries to use the smile that Lyra had once taught him.

"What a pleasure to see you, Asriel! You were also in St. Sofia a few months ago, weren't you?" She puts a hand on her chin.

"Maybe... I don't remember very well, I've been traveling a lot this year" He changes the weight from one foot to the other.

"What a small world, isn't it, Marisa?"Gwendolyn asks to the other woman, who is approaching the two.

"Definitely" Marisa sighs in agreement.

"It's funny that we're all here! Let's enjoy remembering the old days! It was so hard for us to meet again... marriage, children..." Gwendolyn says excitedly "Oh Asriel, I forget to ask you! How's your daughter doing?! Howis her name... Lily... Lidia... "

"Lyra" Both Asriel and Marisa replied and then looked at each other accusingly.

"Oh, so do you know her, Marisa?"The redhead asks without noticing the tension that begins to settle between the two.

The brunette clenches her hands in a fist and prevents herself from screaming and pushing the other woman, instead she opens a watery smile and is speechless, a very rare event.

It was the first time that she had said the child's name aloud since the last time she had seen her. The truth is that Marisa tries to keep that thought in the back of her mind, mainly because thoughts that lead to the daughter she rejected always move her to levels that the brunette never dared to discover, reminded her of the shame about the affair she had with Asriel and how she let the result of this affair go easily, something that was born of sin and that she hated since conception, but filled her with a feeling that Marisa experienced for the first and only time. The thought of the child she had was immaculate in the depths of her twisted mind and the mere thought of someone missing that child's name, the name Marisa gave her, made her feel an uncontrollable and greater discomfort than the times when her daemon moved away from her.

" _My_ daughter is fine, thank you" Asriel speaks quickly "Now if the ladies excuse me, I have to go over some matters"

"Sure! See you later then!" The woman, totally forgetting about the question she asked, waves to Asriel "Come on, Marisa! Some of our friends came with their husbands too! Come on! They will be so happy to see you!"

Gwendolyn grabs Marisa's arm.

"Great" Marisa opened her automatic smile "Well, if that's so... see you later, Asriel"

"Goodbye, Marisa" He speaks simply.

The red-haired woman pulls Marisa with her and Asriel watches as the two walk away.

"You're not going to stay here, are you?"Stelmaria asks, staring at the golden monkey's back.

"Of course not! We have to get Lyra and leave as soon as possible" Asriel decides.

"And the funding?" The snow leopard asks.

"Screw the funding" He curses "I won't let her get close to the girl, I made a promise to myself Stelmaria, you remember that... Marisa won't get close to Lyra, I'll make sure of that"

And then the two turn and walk to the elevator looking for the child, determined not to spend another second in the North.

The girl walked in silence beside the maid, partly because the woman's canine daemon kept sharp eyes on Pan and, especially, Lyra was waiting for the right time to do some action and try to explore the building.

When they reached the penultimate floor, Lyra realized it was time to speak.

"This place is huge, isn't it?"The girl steals a look at the woman.

"I think so, miss" The maid responds with downcast eyes.

"My name is Lyra" Lyra shows a delicate and well-calculated smile "What's yours?"

The woman blushes greedily at the girl's attention, apparently none of the people in the building addressed her properly.

"Anna, miss" The maid smiles.

Only now did Lyra realize how young the maid looked, perhaps only a few years older than Lyra. The girl wore a red and white uniform consisting of a knee-length skirt and long-sleeved blouse, her blond hair was tied in a bun and she looked quite nervous, unlike her daemon who kept an eye on Pan.

"First job?" Lyra asks as they walk down the hall.

"Yes..." Anna replies, looking around to see if anyone is the hall.

"Is it cool to work here? It's a huge place! I already have a job, do you know? Sometimes I'm my father's assistant, but I don't think this is a real job, after all I don't get anything except scolding" Lyra rolls her eyes and realizes that is slowly gaining Anna's attention.

"And what do you do as an assistant?" The maid dares to ask.

A malicious smile started to rise on Lyra's lips.

"Oh, no big deal... we battle Tartars, we deal with bears... these things, you know..." The girl rolls her eyes bored, but internally happy that Anna is buying the lie.

"I've never seen bears before" The maid's green eyes widen.

"I see them almost all the time, daddy always takes me to Svalbard with him, that's where the armored bears live" Lyra shrugs.

"Can you tell me more about this?" Anna asks, totally enchanted by Lyra.

"Sure" The girl replies.

The two talked a lot until they stopped in front of Lyra's room, the girl told fantasies of the north to the young woman who had never been and Anna loving to hear every second of the invented stories of the girl.

"This is your room, your father asked me to stay with you until he arrives" The blonde informs after a minute's break.

Lyra felt trapped between the door and the woman.

_We have to get rid of her, Lyra_ thought Pan.

_I know, but what are we gonna do now?_ Lyra answers.

_I don’t know! Invent something! You didn't have a lot of trouble doing it all the way here_ The daemon looks genuinely upset.

"You don't have to worry, I'm fine alone, trust me" Lyra blinks innocently.

"I don't know if I should, miss... your father said that..."

"I imagine that all these rich people down there make good tips" Lyra interrupts "Imagine how many good tips you could be earning while you spend all this time here with me?! Go, I'll be fine, after all, you already did your job, you left me in my room. "

"Well... you're right but..."

"If I were you, I wouldn't expect much, I heard that some lords would be arriving shortly and they are very generous..." Lyra leans against the wood of the door and looks at Anna.

"Yes, yes, I can't lose, I have to help Timmy with the bills..." Anna's forehead wrinkles with concern.

"And what would Timmy say if he saw you spending your time talking to a 12-year-old girl instead of getting some money?" Lyra knows it was a risky thing to say, and she felt Pan's constant judgment behind her, but the look that filled the blonde's face convinced Lyra that she had played the right card.

"You're right, I have to go! If your father comes..."

"Don't worry, he's solving a lot of boring things, he won't be back anytime soon" The girl crosses her arms.

"Those are the keys, but you can only have them if you promise to stay in your room until your dad arrives" The woman speaks, raising an accusing finger at Lyra and with the other hand holding the room keys.

"I promise" The lie runs down Lyra's lips instinctively.

"Take it, use the phone to order whatever you want" The girl pushes the keys into Lyra's hand and waits until the girl turns the knob and enters the room "You can call me too, I'm always available."

"Thank you, Anna!"The girl waves goodbye to the woman as the maid takes the elevator down.

"Phew! We got rid of her! So, what do you want to do now?!"

"I don't know, Pan... I wanted to talk to Roger, Dad said I could send a letter to Jordan College, but the stamps are with him..." The girl sighs.

"You can ask for it when he arrives, but it will take a while... we can explore this place a little before he arrives" Pan turns into a squirrel and glides across the bright floor of the building, inviting Lyra to join him.

"Great!" The girl's face lights up.

Lyra keeps the key in her coat pocket and joins Pan in the middle of the deserted corridor.

"What do you want to play first?" Pan asks jumping up in excitement.

"Running to see who gets to the elevator first?" The girl raises an eyebrow.

"Piece of cake" The daemon turns into a hare.

"Hey! This is cheating! This is your fastest shape!" Lyra crosses her arms in annoyance.

"It's not my fault for being a daemon" Pan sticks his tongue at her.

"We must match this competition" The ghost of a smile begins to fill the girl's lips.

"What are you talking about?"

Lyra looks around and finds a vase full of flowers and goes to it, as she expected, the flowers were recently watered and there was plenty of water in the vase. The girl picks up the flowers and throws them in a nearby trash can.

"Lyra, what are you doing? You can't do this"

"Just observe"

Lyra takes the vase with the water and spills it all over the shiny marble floor.

"Look at the mess you made!" Pan puts his paws on his face and rolls his eyes.

The water runs down to the elevator, forming a large and muddy puddle due to the soil of the flowers.

"We will have to slide to the elevator without falling, the loser will have to convince dad to have two desserts today!" The girl positions herself next to her daemon.

"This isn’t fair! You’re the one who ate it!" Pan grumbles.

"Yes, and I make the rules" Lyra bends her back and puts her hands on her knees "3... 2... 1!"

The two start running while balancing on the wet ground, Lyra's boots were already a little worn out from the snow, which made the task almost impossible for the girl.

Pan, on the other hand, used his hare paws to balance himself in the puddle, he did well at the start of the race, but soon the strength of his fast legs started to kick in and he started running. The daemon tried to maintain his posture, but he soon found himself splashing in the muddy water, heading towards Lyra and crashing into the girl's legs.

Soon, the daemon and the girl found themselves sliding across the water towards the elevator, both so full of adrenaline that they didn’t notice the elevator opening.

Lyra and Pan only noticed the presence of the man who got out of the elevator when they both hit him in the legs, causing him to fall as well.

Then, a deafening silence filled the hall.

Lyra's eyes widened when she noticed the man lying face down on the floor, his gazelle-shaped daemon crouched beside him looking at Lyra and Pan accusingly.

When the man, cursing out loud, managed to sit up, Lyra noticed that his white blouse was covered in mud, like the rest of his clothes and briefcase. The girl shuddered when the man's blue eyes met hers, there was everything in them but sympathy.

"What the hell happened?! Were you the responsible for that?! Don't you know where you walk, girl?!" He struggles to his feet and points his finger at Lyra.

"I... I..." Lyra found herself speechless under the eyes of the unknown man.

He was very tall, not as tall as her father, but a lot older than him, Lyra doesn't know how old Lord Asriel is, but he was certainly younger than this stranger with gray-blond hair and an extremely red face.

"Do you know how to speak?! Answer me! I'm talking to you!" He screams and then tries to clean the dirt off his clothes.

"I'm sorry, sir... I didn't see you..." The girl felt Pan tremble beside her, as the daemon turn into his ermine shape and is clinging tightly to Lyra's neck.

The brunette stood up and tried to give her most innocent and guilty eyes to the stranger in front of her.

"Who let you in here?!" He barks "I didn't know it was allowed to bring children to a place like this, especially a girl..." He says the last word with contempt.

The feelings of guilt were quickly replaced by anger, as Lyra disgusted with the look on the man's face, she raises an eyebrow and crosses her arms.

"I'm here with my dad!" Lyra wrinkles her nose.

At that very moment, a chill went up Edward Coulter's spine, because he had already seen that look somewhere, the eyebrows, the challenge in the eyes, the upturned nose, all the features on the child's serious face reminded him of something he just couldn't remember now.

"And who is this asshole? One of the employees?!"Edward frowns.

"No" the girl stares at him angrily "is Lord Asriel."

The hall went silent as realization shone in Edward's eyes and he slowly lowered his defensive stance, a malicious smile started to run across the politician's lips.

"Oh, so you are Lord Asriel's daughter?! I apologize, I didn't know he was your father! Asriel and I are longtime friends" The older man winks at the girl.

Lyra, completely confused by the man's change, took a step back.

"Who are you?" The girl locks her jaw.

Edward's first action would be curse the cheeky brat, but he needed Asriel for his next political campaign.

"Edward Coulter" He extends his hand to the girl "And you?"

"Lyra Belacqua" Lyra replies without acknowledging the man's presence.

"And you have his attitude" Edward laughs and lowers his hand.

"Lyra!" Asriel's voice fills the empty hall.

Lyra and Mr. Coulter automatically turned their heads to face the stoic, extremely pale man who had just stepped out of the elevator.

_We are dead_ Pan shuddered.

The girl couldn’t help but agree with her daemon, as she was sure that her father wouldn’t like her to have made a mess in the entire corridor, of herself and the unknown man beside her.

"Asriel!" Edward exclaimed with a smile "How long my old friend!"

The happiness in Edward's voice was sickening compared to the look of murderous anger in Asriel's eyes.

The explorer strode to his daughter and ignored the politician's greetings.

"Lyra! What the hell are you doing ?! I told you to stay in the room! Look what a mess! I told you that..."

"But dad, the hall was already like this when I arrived!" The girl lies.

"And a liar on top of that! You have no idea what I'm going to do with you, girl..." Asriel seethed and pulled his daughter to his side and away from Edward.

"She's telling the truth, Asriel. We both slipped on the floor" Edward interjected.

It was not a lie, he hadn’t let the girl explain what happened before they were both on the floor, and he didn't care what happened to that girl either. The only thing the politician really wanted was to talk to Asriel in a decent way about business, Edward had tried this for years but the explorer seemed inaccessible to him.

Asriel takes his eyes off Lyra and stares at the man standing in front of him, at the same time he pushes his daughter behind his back, out of sight of Mr. Coulter.

"She doesn't need a lawyer, Edward" Asriel says and then purses his lips.

"I'm just telling the truth" The older man raises his hands momentarily.

The two men face each other for a while until Asriel speaks again.

"Well..." Asriel purses his lips in a forced smile "Lyra and I have to have a long talk, so if you'll excuse me..."

"Actually, Asriel, I have something to talk to you about" Edward holds up a finger.

"And what is that? Is it urgent?" Asriel raises an eyebrow.

"No but..."

"So wait, _old friend_ " The poison in the last words was masked with false warmth "I think anything we have to say will be better with a glass of tokay, don't you think?"

"Sure, but ..."

"Agreed, talk to Thorold and set up a meeting between the two of us" Asriel takes Lyra's arm and drags her to the elevator.

"Asriel..."

"See you, Edward!" The explorer waves to Mr. Coulter as the elevator doors close, leaving the blond man soaked.

"Where are we going?" Lyra asks once the elevator doors have closed.

"Out of here" The man speaks harshly.

"What? Why? We just arrived! ” The girl pouts.

"Because I said, now be quiet before I decide to punish you for the mess you made!" He looks furiously at his daughter.

"But it wasn't me!" Lyra argues.

"And lying won’t favor you in my decision"

The panther snarls at Pan, who shrinks into a puppy behind Lyra's legs.

As soon as the doors opened Asriel pulls her daughter's wrist and they both walk side by side to the reception, there Thorold waited with the missing luggage.

"It's all here, my lord" The gray-haired man speaks, he had spent the morning trying to fix all Asriel's equipment.

“I don’t need it, Thorold, we’re leaving this place.” Asriel turns to the receptionist and ignores his servant's frustrated face “We're leaving, what's the next sled for Trollesund?”

The girl behind the counter offered him a polite smile.

“Do you have any complaints? If so, I'm sure we can...”

"You can't fix my problem, I'm sure" Asriel rolls his eyes "I asked you a question"

The receptionist is speechless for a moment before recovering her usual face.

"I think there are no more sleds for Trollesund for the next few days..."

"What? Two hours ago there was no such problem!” Asriel starts to get frustrated.

“There was a spontaneous climate change, the forecast is that a snowfall will cover Trollesund and the surrounding cities for up to 5 days, there are also rain and weather forecasts on the air routes from north to south.I'm sorry, sir.” The woman ends with an irritating, polite smile on her face.

"Holy shit" Asriel curses.

Lyra tries to contain her laughter when she hears her father curse like that.

"Anything else, sir?" The receptionist asks.

Asriel looks at her for a moment.

He felt like he had a rope around his neck, just waiting for someone to kick the bench to break his neck. The bench is Lyra and the person who kick the bench would probably be Marisa... or Edward. The thought of Edward so close to his daughter made him want to break all the man's bones.

Asriel couldn't let the politician get close to Lyra, not like that, much less Marisa.He knows that Lyra's life could be endangered if Edward finds out that the child he was talking to is the daughter of his adulterous wife. No, that wasn’t going to happen. Lyra is his responsibility. Lyra is his and Asriel would never allow anyone to take the child that was thrown into his arms by the mother who so readily disowned her. That naughty, stubborn child with dirty nails was still his.

Now, he was going to have to hide Lyra from Edward's malicious eyes and Marisa's claws.

The man approached the oval mirror, bending down a little to adjust his tie.

"And no more than two desserts. Don't you dare sleep in late, do you hear me?"He resumed his posture finishing to fix his hair "And you are strictly forbidden to..."

"To leave through that door" She rolled her eyes as pan changed shape to a small moth "I know, I know. No filling the bathtub too much, or making too many orders, or drawing attention. You already said that..." She raised one hand “Five times. Why can't I come along? I'm your assistant. "

"It's not a place for girls. Much less for children" Asriel took the cufflinks from the dresser.

"But I brought all those dresses" Lyra snorted playing on the bed "What's the difference between being stuck here or at home?"

"Lyra..." He turned just to see her with one eyebrow raised, his stomach knotted and he forced himself to keep the feeling away "We aren’t going to get into this discussion again. Or do you want to be beaten up in your first day here?"

"No..." She sighed crossing her arms "But it's not fair for me to be stuck here while everyone else will be down there."

"If everyone jumped in a hole would you jump?" The panther daemon sat next to him.

"Maybe. Depending on what was down there, yes."She replied

The man took a deep breath.

"Nothing in the ballroom is going to be for children and I don't want you to snort and roll your eyes around important people." He finished getting ready "You'll be fine. Just... try not to break anything or make a noise. Some people here hate children" He leaned forward a little and smiled "They could easily catch you and cook you in one of the big pots in the kitchen. And then they would serve you for lunch with sauce and potatoes. "

The girl opened her mouth and then closed it.She frowned before smiling.

"And would they have chocolate for dessert?"Pan, which was now an ermine, climbed her arm and cuddled her neck.

Asriel laughed and resumed his posture.

"Don't think about disobeying me, Lyra. Or I'll put you in that pot myself."

Asriel left the room and entered the almost empty corridor. Old frames were framed and stuck to the cream wall with golden arabesques. The light was yellowish which made the room feel a little warmer and a long wine mat was spread over the marble floor.

The panther looked at him.

"Do you think she will obey you?" She asks as soon as they start the short walk down the hall

"We can only hope so." He took a deep breath.

The walk to the great hall was smooth.Covered by greetings and the most _sincere_ compliments. Which made it even more cordial than he would have liked. He forced himself to return the smiles until the entrance.

One of the employees opened the large carved piece of wood and he entered the large room. It wasn’t too full. There were tables arranged vertically and in front of the table where he would be, there were oak chairs with red velvet upholstery, horizontally, a little higher than the others so that there were four steps on each side of the two walls. 

Asriel sighed, massaging the back of his neck.He could hope it ended quickly even though he was sure it wouldn't work, deep down he felt as trapped as his daughter. Some people came in behind them, their voices low and some laughter.

A harmonic environment, at least in appearance, was all an act. With almost half the guests at the Magisterium, he doubted it could be a good thing.

"You will need to control yourself. Try to not lose control."Stelmaria whispered to him.

"I'm not afraid of them. I might as well deal with some priests." He squinted at her, moving closer to the table with each step.

"I don't care about them, but you know who I'm talking about." She dragged her voice and he rolled his eyes.

"Lord Asriel!" The voice made him stop and turn around. He locked his jaw in a smile as he looked at Father MacPhail, the priest strode up to the man and his panther "How nice to finally meet you."

"Likewise" He stared at the door behind the man. More and more people came in.

"I can't wait for one of your lectures, we are finally going to be able to hear about your... research... to what does it pertain? I heard you were in the mountains...”

Stelmaria circled Asriel, tail raised and eyes fixed on the Magisterium man.

"Yes.... Of course I was" He tugged lightly on the collar of his shirt, as if the gesture could save him from that insufferable situation "It's not official at all... I've been mapping the stars..."

He responded somewhat grudgingly. The priest seemed to be amused by the answer.As the others started to sit up, they both stood, the tension between them was palpable.

"Mapping the stars? Why? Any specific projects?" The man raised his eyebrows in exaggerated curiosity and Asriel almost rolled his eyes.

"You’ll know at the right time..." The explorer smiles "For now there are only ongoing research"

"And I think you will talk about them at your seminar, will you?"

"Yes. Of course. The professors will be ..." Asriel lost his words as soon as two people came into his view.

The panther grunted the instant they appeared. Asriel fixed his gaze on the couple.The older man, with his gazelle daemon, holding his wife’s waist, as if the brunette and the golden monkey were a trophy. He smiled at some, nodded to others. Marisa repeated the same gestures.

Asriel swallowed.

"Will they be...?" The priest insisted.

"Asriel!"Edward's voice brought him out of his trance. The man approached quickly passing some other people.

"Edward!"He broke into a smile, greeting the politician and relieved to be taken out of that interrogation.

"How's Father MacPhail doing?" Edward smiles at the priest who just nodded. He again turned to Lord Asriel "I think we're finally going to have our conversation, aren't we?"

Asriel looked at Marisa and nodded at her. He had thought that few people were able to shine in his eyes and surely the woman in front of him was one of them. The red velvet hugged her body curves up to her knees where the fabric opened in a delicate volume, the sleeves were long and the plunging neckline perfectly matched the belt marking her waist.

"Sure"He replied shaking his head.

"And how's little Lyra doing?" Edward crossed his eyes between the two men "Did you have the opportunity to meet her, Father? She’s a lovely little girl. Adorable and wild."

Asriel's eyebrows went up and he could barely face the woman. The golden monkey squeaked showing its teeth.

"You didn't tell me that you had met Lord Asriel's daughter, dear" She practically spat out the last word, wrapping an arm around the man and lightly squeezing his shoulder. Edward rolled his eyes.

"Because it’s none of your business, Marisa."She locked her jaw and closed her eyes "Come on, we know how you deal with children."

The brunette lifted her chin with a short smile.

"Sure" She tried to put her thoughts away, squeezed the man's shoulder tightly, letting him writhe his face in a frown for a few seconds. The same shoulder that her husband had been shot on a hunting trip a few years earlier, and which, unfortunately, had caused nothing more than a little pain on cold and pertinent days.

"After all, we haven't spoken in so long, I even forgot who the girl's mother was. She reminds me of someone..."

Marisa stared at the man and his panther daemon for what seemed like an eternity, and even if he didn't admit it, Asriel liked that, the vulnerability of that look in Marisa’s face. 

Asriel turns his face to the politician.

"Even I forgot about her" he lied "She's dead and that's what matters. She could’ve been anyone" He shrugged "A one-night stand, I just know that Lyra is my daughter by Belacqua’s birthmark."

Edward laughed.

"I understand you, my friend." Edward smile.

The woman frowned.

"You are so flirty" She needed all her self-control not to roll her eyes "We should discuss the projects to be approved and not about maternity, right?"

It seemed to light a flame on her husband, the brief mention of anything related to money made him change completely. It was almost instantaneous. The man broke into a smile and looked at the woman.

"Of course, dear" He pulled her closer "We can discuss this over dinner..."

She retraced her polite smile and Lord Asriel could almost smile when he saw her try to maintain her posture. The four walked to the big table.

The seats were marked and Asriel was sure that the couple wouldn’t sit near him. And he maintained that belief until he saw the papers written in the most delicate handwriting in the places facing his.

"Isn't it wonderful?" The politician smiled "Now we can talk more calmly."

He pulled out the chair for his wife and sat down afterwards, after making sure that Asriel had done the same.

Marisa stared at the golden monkey before sighing and smiling slightly. It was a role, a role that she always played, not a feeling, she’s pushing any feeling out of her heart. There was no beauty in it, but there was security.

Dishes started to be served as soon as everyone was seated. The evening antipasto was a salad of lobsters and shrimp, but the last thing the three of them thought about was food.

"And what do you like to talk to me about?" Asriel stared at him, waiting for the white wine to be served.

"Oh okay, I heard you're doing research here."He smiled "Marisa has done that too. Maybe we could establish a partnership, of course if your research is..."

"I work better alone." He looked into the blue eyes in front of him. And Asriel could be sure that if the room was a little more empty the knife in Mrs. Coulter's hand would be at his neck. And that was extremely fun.

"And I believe that my research doesn’t interest Lord Asriel, some subjects are too complex for men like him."

"It’s not difficult to take care of a charity center. Anyone can do that!" He laughed through his nose and she rolled her eyes "Well I think it's important that we partner, don't you think?"

"Of course, as long as we have the same objective. What is not the case, is it not?" She stared at the man in front of her before taking the cup and turning to her husband "Why don't you talk to him about your interest in expanding research around here?"

Asriel looked at her. Maybe she was more restless than she normally would be at one of these events, this was Marisa's world, she was used to these places and these people, but she seemed to feel as trapped as he did. She looked around a dozen times and each time she took a sip of wine, but didn't even touch the plates.

He watched as her eyebrows arched at the slightest different sound, or how she unconsciously smiled every time her thoughts took her somewhere, as if it were a discreet response to a memory.

It was when the waiter approached her, bending down beside her whispering and handing her an envelope that make open a genuine smile, Asriel dislikes that vision. She opened the envelope and took out a piece of paper, and then another smile and one eyebrow raised.

Marisa looked at him before putting the paper back in the envelope and whispers in her husband's ear. She leaves her seat so quietly that few people would notice the movement. Asriel followed her with his eyes until the brunette left the room.

Marisa left sighing with relief. She stared at the monkey beside her.

“Don't even think about it” she said before walking to the elevator “At least something is working today”

She pushed the button for the penultimate floor.

The paper was a telegram from Bolvangar, it seemed the experiments started to work well.And even if that was a great news, it didn't erase the discomfort in her chest. She tapped her foot against the mahogany floor, the pumps making the annoying noise until the elevator arrived.

It was a longer than expected time for her room. White walls with light gold accents. She gets rid of the shoes before doing the same with the dress. Things would be lighter if Edward was dead. At least that way she wouldn't have to put up with her husband's injured ego.

Marisa rolled her eyes, going to one of the suitcases and picking up a nightdress and a notepad at the bottom of it. She went to the bathroom and filled the bath. 

There was still a failure, there were still children dying, there were still kinks she needed to work out.

About half an hour later she was already in bed, sitting surrounded by papers and a half-glass of red wine on the bedside table. The monkey was staring at the end of the bed.

“You’re right” The brunette sighed, finishing loosening her hairstyle and gathering all the notes “Tomorrow we will have a busy day. We better rest.”

The brunette places the papers next to the wine and then turns off the lamp.

"Are we really going to be stuck here while everyone has fun down there?" Lyra ate the last mouthful of dessert, placing her plate on top of the other five.

"We are having fun, do you know the next time you will have the opportunity to eat so much sugar?" He flew over her head and landed on the pillow turning into a mouse.

"Never!" She threw herself next to him.

"Exactly. Never."

"So... I ate too much sugar to stay here.... we can go out into the hall and explore the other rooms. Or... we can go through the window" She smiled mischievously and faced the daemon.

"Lyra..." Pan licked his paws and passed them behind his ears "It's snowing! And a lot!"

"So what? We’ve done it before" She sat up and looked at him.

"And you broke an arm. Do you remember?"The girl's smile widened and she ran to the window opening the same "You should at least get a coat!"

"It would be too heavy. And we're not going that far. Just up to a window in the hall and back there. What do you think?"

"I think we should stay here. We have a fireplace, blankets and food" He turned into a moth and flew at her.

"Coward" She followed her impulse and put one leg out.

White pantyhose wouldn't protect her from the cold, she was sure of that. But it shouldn't be a long exit. Lyra just wanted a little adventure and she was sure a little cold wouldn't hurt. That made her leave, stepping on the small roof she looked down.

"It's high" Pan, who was now a bat, went after the girl.

"Not much... it will be quick ..." She spread her arms balancing on the edge, her foot slid to the rail and she let out a startled laugh "Wow!"

"Have you lost your mind?! You almost killed us! Lyra, stop laughing!"

"Stop being such a coward! Come on, the next window is right over there" She took a few more steps leaning against the wall. The icy north wind enveloped her.

She went through the next window, this one has the light out, just like the other windows on this floor since everyone was in the party room.

"Where's that hallway?"Pan was flying over the girl's head.

"I don't know" She took a few more steps and stopped hugging her body "I should’ve brought a coat..."

"I warned you. Now we're going to turn into ice, your dad and Stelmaria are going to thaw us and then give us a beating."

She forced herself to take a few more steps, it was almost over and there was no sign of a window leading to the hall. The girl stopped inhaling and letting it out through her mouth, rubbed her hands together.

Lyra stared at the dark window, something moved inside. The child opened her eyes wide.

"Did you see that?" She looked up and stared at her bat-daemon, which was flapping its wings in agitation.

The window opened at once, the sudden noise made her jump to the other side. The girl slipped, one knee hitting the gutter and making half of her body stick out from the edge of the roof, her daemon went down to one of the tiles.

"What are you doing there?" The female voice called out to her and the girl forced her body up. Hands grabbed her arms and pulled her forward, and then Lyra was safe again.

The bedroom light came on and the child could see the monkey beside the door, her vision turned to the woman in front of her, she was still holding Lyra's arms as if she were a helpless child. And she wasn't, at least she didn't think she was. The blue eyes changed at the same time as she studied the child.

"Hi" Lyra murmured.

"You're freezing over there” The woman closed her eyes as if she was pulling something out of her mind “You better get in. "

"No... my dad won't let me into stranger’s room..." Lyra saw the woman slightly twist her lip and raise an eyebrow

"We can change that. I'm Marisa Coulter."She paused "And your knee is bleeding, you better get in" Marisa released her.

Lyra picked up Pan, who turned into an ermine. The brunette gave Lyra some space so she could get into the woman’s room.

"Thank you" Lyra thanked her humbly.

"You better have a convincing explanation to be walking in the roof at this time, young lady."

Lyra shrugged her shoulders watching the fire burning, the woman's hands went around her shoulders and she guided the girl to the fire.

"Thank you..." The girl thanks again.

Lyra sits on the chair, unconsciously staring at the knee wound.

"I’m waiting for you to start talking" Marisa crosses her arms.

"I... you... you scared me! I saw a figure and then..."

The older one raised her hand and she fell silent.

"Didn't your father teach you not to spy on the windows? Something worse could’ve happened like you fell or seen something you shouldn't have."

"Like a murder?" Pan raised his ears, watching the woman's expression go from something serious to a touch of amusement.

"Yeah. A murder."Marisa steps back "You need to cover yourself with something warm"

The girl stroked Pan.

"I need to go. My dad can't see this" she stared at her knee "He'll find out that I left and..."

"Don't worry" The woman takes one of the covers from the bed and wraps the girl's shoulders and then moves Lyra's damp hair away revealing the child's neck, nothing could prepare her for what she saw.

Marisa took a step back as if the girl was on fire. The monkey raises its tail and looks at Pan with an emotion not seen in many years.

It was like a tsunami forming inside the older brunette, where the waves move away from the beach until the great one carries everything.

However Marisa just swallowed and sat on the bed. Shock ran through her body and every part of her hoped it wasn't a fate joke.

"What's your name?" Her voice came out hoarse and less sympathetic than she intended. 

"Oh... I forgot to introduce myself. I'm Lyra. Lyra belacqua."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think about it ❤️


	5. So close, so far

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> finally Lyra and Marisa’s chapter!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope u guys enjoy this chapter!

_ **So close, so far** _

"It's all your fault!" The woman changed her legs, the bottle was half full and the girl knew that things could get worse at any moment “Every time I look at you I see him there... that useless brat that just delayed my life. As he always did, but you can be worse.You killed your father! It's your fault! It was all your fault. ”

She tossed the bottle, Marisa cringed when it hit the wall behind her.She pursed her lips and hugged her knees.

The adder released its daemon causing the girl to release all the air she held during that time. He ran over to her, hiding among the dark curls. She closed her eyes, counting the seconds for it to end.

"Why did you do that? You should love me ”Her voice came out low and almost choked and the woman laughed out loud in front of her.

“Love you? You are a shame for all of us, do you think that someday you will be able to be something? Do you think that someday people will like you? I'm ashamed that you're my daughter!Oh if I could have chosen ... If I knew that baby would become this..." Her face contorted in a grimace "Creature" She tried to spit, which only made her saliva run through her mouth. The woman came out slamming the door "You better hope I forget you there!"

Marisa could hear the voice on the other side.She touched the legs marked by the belt, narrowed her eyes and forced a smile, releasing all the air she had held in all that time.

The basement smelled of moisture, cheap perfume and dust. Long before it became her mother's favorite place for punishments, it had been just a place to keep things they no longer wanted and she couldn't help but feel like one of those things.

The place was dark and the only lamp attached to a copper wire blinked and went out more times than her patience would allow her to count.

She locked her jaw, staring at one end, which her daemon was on, she wouldn't need any light to see him there. She closed her eyes and clenched her fists. It was her fault. And if it was hers, it was also his. The monkey.

The girl sat on the cold floor, next to a broken lamp and what she thought was her grandmother's old clothes chest, she remembered fantasizing about balls with the old lady's dresses, where she would be the center of attention and no one would dare to contradict her... and then the old woman would find her and everything seemed a little happy in the misty immensity of her memories, where they both sat at the dinner table, dressed almost in the same way (with her exaggerating the blush on her cheeks) and two large cups filled with the best hot chocolate she could drink.

The memory aroused something in her chest, a small flame that she couldn’t identify as good or bad, just... growing, warm as an embrace in winter, but a little painful.

Marisa could count on her fingers how many happy memories she had during her short life, most of them were linked to her father and her grandmother, she used to remember a difficult exam in which she had gauged or how she managed to climb the highest tree in the parkfew blocks from your house.

And as her memories invaded her, the daemon approached, one step at a time until they were finally embraced, with her shedding her tears on the rabbit-shaped leather.

She pushed the daemon away once, standing up and drying the tears. She tightened the string around her neck, the pendant of a constellation, an old gift from her father. Lyra.Her favorite.

Her heart seemed to decline over time, every person she loved had died. Her grandmother, whose old age had led to several health problems and these made her forget about everyone little by little until there was only one lady with stories of when she was young, lying in a bed for the rest of her days.And finally her father with a sad epilogue almost as tragic as those in the stories, he used to travel, he wasn’t a merchant and neither an explorer, but he needed to travel, under the command of the Magisterium.

And on one of those trips... well, people sometimes... disappear.Children, adults, when you are alive, you are close to death.

She wanted much more than to spend her days trapped in a house, with her mother.With the beatings and all the pressure the blue adder could exert on her daemon's ribs. She wanted adventure, her heart longed for discovery. And that light no pain would be able to put down.

Marisa stretched her arms, she could almost reach the ceiling. The girl yawned, receiving the watchful eye of her daemon, who was now a dog.

The girl tried to chase away thoughts of a failed life, but each time she did it came back with more straight. She was smart, but not enough to survive without even a job, she didn't run long enough to even steal a loaf of bread and she wouldn't even think about what the Authority would think if she did such a thing.

Fear. It swirled around her little daemon head, fear for them, fear of what might happen if they stayed in that place any longer.He turned into a little mouse and ran to the girl who ignored him. He transformed into a cat, then touching her bare feet with his front paw.

"We are safer here than up there. Stop being a coward!"She clenched her fists and kicked him, the breath left her lungs and she dropped to her knees. Her eyes filled with anger "Damn!"

The daemon moved away, cowering in the corner of one of the walls.

She touched her stomach, feeling the pain slowly go away. She hated sharing her thoughts. She hated that anyone else, or anything, could feel the same as she did.

The girl sat down, legs crossed and hands on her knees. She inhaled and let it out slowly, until she felt her pulse slow down.

"Sorry," she whispered, wrinkling her face in a frown.Apologizing was for the weak, her mother said, especially when you are aware of your actions. She wasn't really sorry and knew that her daemon could feel it. That made her roll her eyes "Come here. I'm not going to hit you."

The door opened and the light invaded her face. She could only see the boy's silhouette.He was holding a tray.

"She made tea. Chamomile" The child's voice made her take a deep breath.

"She always makes tea" Marisa rolled her eyes when he came down the stairs and placed the tray beside her.

"It's the fault of that" He pointed to the cord "It makes mum remember him."

"Don't be silly. Anything makes mother remember him" She took the cloth napkin, a little worn but it would do. She dipped it in the cup.

"Aren't you going to drink it?" She stared at him, meeting his eyes as blue as hers.Her father's eyes.

"No..." Marisa wiped the fabric over the wounds on her legs "I don't want scars. I don't want that kind of memory on my skin, but you can have the sugar" He pointed to the two cubes of sugar next to the cup and her brother smiled "Now you better go up. "

He took the sugar and ran up, then closed the door.

The girl took a deep breath, the daemon still approached like an orange cat.

"Let's stay here until she sleeps" She wet the cloth again and sighed trying to think of something happy.

But the memories hurt. Every time one of these memories came to her mind, like a whisper approaching, or when the tide starts to rise, or even the light of a lighthouse on a stormy night. A thread of hope in the midst of pain, chaos and fury. A spark of light in the most absolute darkness.

_ **22 years later** _

Marisa felt all the air slide out of her lungs as she stared at the child's face in front of her.

Thousands of thoughts infiltrated her head, most of them were filled with nostalgia, remorse and a longing that Marisa tried to lock inside her brain and keep away from her heart.Although she knew there was no longer a heart in her chest.No... what hits inside her rib cage is a phantom organ, something defective beyond repair. After all, how could there be a heart inside her when what was left of it had been carried by a newborn on a stormy night?!

That little red, screaming packet she had seen 12 years ago was gone and replaced by this child with wild eyes.

Marisa sat down slowly in a chair while staring at the girl sitting on the bed.

She could feel the monkey's desire to touch the girl's daemon, but Marisa suppressed him and made him stay away by the fireplace. The woman wasn’t yet prepared for such contact, for her the girl had been just a distant dream, a bittersweet, unreal and untouchable illusion, although only a few minutes ago Marisa touched the child.

A part of the woman, the one who kept Lyra on an untouchable altar, wanted to force her to remember the quick memory in which she held the child's arms and saved her from premature death (the thought made her stomach turn), just tofeel what it was like to have touched her skin, what it felt like to feel her fingers brushing away the girl's curls, the hair that was so similar to hers. The other part of Marisa, the one that suppressed any hidden thoughts about the bastard she had placed in the world, wished she had never opened the window.

Lyra raised an eyebrow at her suspiciously, since the woman had done nothing but stare at her since the girl introduced herself.

"Are you okay?" Lyra asks.

Marisa was anything but okay.

The more she looked, the more the girl's features sank into her mind, she couldn't stop the memories of the little girl she held, bathed, fed ... if Marisa closed her eyes and concentrated, she could still feel the newbornwarming up in her chest.But she never let herself be relaxed at that point, because all the rare times when she was alone the girl's childish face shone in front of her eyes. As if she never left, as if Marisa's decisions hadn’t cost anything priceless.

All the feelings she tried to bury were starting to emerge from deep down inside just to disturb her, arrows from that night infiltrated her body like poison, the child's crying, Asriel's betrayed eyes, her weak arms wanting her daughter back.

Anxiety began to rise in her chest and suddenly Marisa found herself gripping the upholstery of the chair tightly.

"Ma’am?"Lyra's childish little voice asks with concern.

"Yes" Marisa tries to smile "What a beautiful name!"

"Thanks!"The discreet smile on Lyra's face made Marisa dizzy for a moment "It's the name of a constellation, do you know that?"

_Get your bearings, Marisa! You made your bed, now lie on it_ The monkey teases, although himself struggled with the same feelings that Marisa feels now.

_Be quiet_ She barks back.

The woman slowly released the chair and kept a fragile smile on her face.Marisa felt her heart miss a beat or two.

"Yes, I know... it's my favorite!" Marisa replies, tilting her head to try to analyze the girl from another angle.

The mouth, the nose, the eyes, the hair, the eyebrows ... that girl was her daughter, a very foreign thought for the brunette, since she never allowed herself to think of the child again, although Asriel was a walking reminder.

When Marisa saw her for the first time, she couldn't see herself in the girl, perhaps because she was just born, but now the brunette was able to recognize the characteristics that linked the girl to her.If only she could see this before, if she saw the resemblance in the first instant, just maybe that moment wouldn’t be happening. For instead of the two of them looking at each other as complete strangers, amid lies and stolen years, they would be lying in bed sleeping soundly, Lyra safe and secure in Marisa's chest, from which she should never have left.

_Why are you thinking about this? You never cared about the girl before_ Speak the monkey in Marisa's mind.

_You know this is a lie_ The brunette responds somewhat frustrated.

_So where have you been all this time, Marisa?You let her go, you are responsible for it!_ The golden monkey grunts in contempt.

_Shut up!_ The woman can feel her breath hitching.

"Really? So you like stars?" The girl's voice awakens her, Lyra’s childlike face lights up and her daemon jumps to the floor.

Marisa smiled trying to keep the whole wave of feelings to herself, she ignored the monkey.

"Since I was much younger than you" The woman reflects on the nights she spent beside her father analyzing the stars.

"I also like stars, I think they are very beautiful, but my father said they are just giant balls of fire that one day will die" The girl wrinkles her nose.

At the mention of Asriel, Marisa twists her lip in disgust. That man is quick to ruin the beauty of things.

"Don't touch your knee! You will hurt it even more!" The child's daemon complains when she notices Lyra's restless hands analyzing the wound.

"But it's burning, Pan!"The girl purses her lips.

_Pan_ The monkey thought of Marisa's mind.

_It's a better name than you could have given_ The woman says with disdain.

Marisa shakes her head and focuses on the child, now wasn’t the time to lose control, the weight of that moment requires strong arms to hold it.

She stood up.

"He's right, darling, you shouldn't touch your knee" The affection slides over Marisa's lips "How about a hot chocolate? It will warm you up while we take care of your injury."

The child nodded and the woman stood up picking up the phone. A few sentences exchanged with whoever was on the other end of the phone and she hung up and went to the bathroom.

‘What are you going to do now? Take care of her and what? To send her away as you did 12 years ago?’ The golden monkey asks as the woman tries to search the drawers for the first aid kit.

Fed up with all the monkey's hints, the woman turns to him and grabs his little neck against the wall. The pain that radiated from the daemon to her made Marisa ecstatic.

"Shut the fuck up! Don't act like you're not as guilty as I am! Not when everything that happened was your fault! Now be quiet before I throw you out that window and you know full well I have the courage to do so! "She releases the monkey and he falls violently against the ground.

Marisa closes her eyes and squeezes the edges of the sink. One... breathe... two... inhale... three... She opens her eyes and finds the aid kit.

The brunette returns with a small suitcase and a smile on her face.

"All set, now, extend your leg for me so I can help you" Marisa uses her most inviting voice, the voice she used so much to attract lost children on the street.

"You don't have to do this, Mrs. Coulter" The girl looks at her with big brown eyes "I can do it myself, I really can, it has happened to me several times."

"Climb on the roof or fall out of it?" Marisa raises an eyebrow, she didn't like any of the alternatives.

"Well... both of it" Lyra bites her bottom lip "Seriously, you don't have to take care of me, I can go to my room and we can pretend it never happened"

The idea caused Marisa an incredible discomfort, although that thought crossed her mind. After all, for Lyra, she had no commitment to helping a random girl, and even Marisa herself recognized that she had relinquished that responsibility years ago. For the little girl, this was just a kind stranger, not a mother reuniting with her daughter.

But the more time the woman spent with the girl, the less she wanted to say goodbye.

"And what would your father say when he saw the bruise on your knee? Or your torn dress?"The woman looks down at the torn edge of Lyra's dress "Let me take care of the wound, so it won't be so obvious to him"

Marisa watches as the girl reluctantly agrees with her.

The woman gently takes the child's leg and places it on her lap, Marisa's fingers slide over Lyra's skin, absorbing the sensation of consciously touching her daughter.

"Why are you doing this?" The girl's voice awakens the woman.

"What?" Marisa blinks her eyes in confusion.

"Helping me" Lyra replies "Most of the adults I know wouldn't mind calling my dad and demanding punishment for me... or they just wouldn't care... but you're different"

The child's eyes look at her as if trying to assemble a difficult puzzle, her face is full of curiosity, doubt and a certain kind of malice, a very old look at such a young face.

"Well, I'm glad you didn't come in through one of these other adult’s windows" Marisa laughs, using all her sympathy.

"Yeah, I'm glad I came in through your window" Lyra tries to use the same playful tone of the woman, but realizes that she failed when Marisa's friendly eyes start to fill with melancholy "Did I say something wrong?"

"No... no, of course not. Try not to move, darling, it can burn" The woman takes the saline out of the suitcase and throws it over the girl's wound, Lyra holds herself up to not to move her leg.

"It wouldn't have happened if you could be quiet..." Pan sighs and rolls his eyes at Lyra.

"Hey! You wanted to explore too, remember?"The girl crosses her arms.

"Not on the roof, Lyra! You know I don't like roofs"

"I'm not a psychic, I didn't know that our plan was going to go wrong"

The conversation between the daemon and the child, so different from the one she had with her own daemon a few minutes ago, brings a simple smile to Marisa's lips.

"Why were you on the roof? And without a coat... You could have fallen!" She bent down in front of the girl to inspect her wound and noticed a peculiar scene happening a few inches away.

Marisa's stomach knotted as she faced Pan, now like a rabbit trying to get close to the monkey. The older daemon took two steps back and looked at the woman with his dark eyes. She just looked at him coldly.

"I was bored. All the adults are down there..." She stopped and stared at the woman dipping cotton in a bottle, the girl decided to tell the woman the truth "Well, almost everyone... I was going out of the window and find another one that would lead me to one of the corridors. But I didn't find it and it was cold... and the ice was slipping then... "

"I opened the window"

"Yes! It wasn't my fault."She said and the woman raised her eyebrow and looked at her, the blue eyes she had barely seen before now looked so strangely familiar "It was the ice's fault."

"It is dangerous to climb on the roof. Especially with a cold like that ..." Marisa first wipes the edges of the wound, wiping the blood and then on top of the wound itself, the girl wrinkles her nose."It's not bad... It was just a little scare."

Marisa blows the girl's bruise, the action scares the child, since no one in her life had taken care of her multiple injuries like that ... so delicately.

"Can I ask you a question?" Lyra stared at her, seeing the woman take another bottle of medicine.

"Sure, darling" Marisa smiles a little nervously and then dips another cotton in the red liquid.

"Why are you up here?... I mean... the adults are down there..." She glares at Pan who sits next to Marisa's daemon in his golden monkey form.

"I needed to revise some papers... for some lectures" Marisa gives an automatic response trying to be as delicate as possible in trying the dressing she started.

"But the light in your room was off" The girl frowned, earning Marisa a pointed look.

"It was. I was getting ready to sleep" She wipes the cotton over the wound and finishes the dressing as best she could "The outside light was illuminating my room and then something covered it and I thought about seeing what it was."

The child looked at her and only now can she see that the woman was wearing a nightgown.

"Sorry..." she spoke softly and the woman smiled getting up after finishing what she was doing.

"Is everything okay, Lyra... do you feel better?"Marisa sits in the chair she had occupied a few minutes ago and looks at the child nervously.

The girl nodded.

"Much better! But you didn't have to do that, normally my injuries heal themselves" The girl shrugs.

"I know I didn't have to, but I wanted to" Marisa smiles.

Marisa wanted to do this because she knew, deep down, that this is the first and probably the last time she had the chance to take care of her daughter, even if it’s just heal an injury, something that a real mother would do.

The phrase made an impact on the child, warming her heart. Most of the people who took care of her were all required to do this, were paid or owed only favors to her father.She had Ma Costa, but the gypitian woman never said anything like that to the girl.

The knock on the door made them both face the same place. The muffled voice informed that the order was there and not long after the room service cart was between them.

Lyra stopped to watch the woman. She looked like the famous people in the papers that her father read.She could even swear to have already seen her a couple of times on it. Mrs. Coulter. She repeated to herself. In the meantime, the older one allowed herself to be examined by the childish eyes, hoping in her heart that this was just a dream. That she would wake up the next day in her empty life away from those eyes that, even after so long, looked at her the same way.

Marisa served the child first.

"I hope you like hot chocolate, it was one of my favorite drinks as a child" Marisa doesn't know why she was sharing such intimate details, she had never been comfortable talking about her childhood with anyone, but something about Lyra, familiarity perhaps, made the older brunette return the few good memories of her past.

"Hmm... this is good!" The girl lets the sweet liquid run down her throat "I never had hot chocolate before!"

"Never?"Marisa asks surprised.

It was unbelievable that a girl like Lyra, born in high society, didn’t taste something as banal as hot chocolate.

"No" Lyra shakes her head and takes another big sip "My dad doesn't like sweets, so he doesn't buy sweets for home and Ma Costa never cooked it to me, but I already ate Jordan College's chocolate cake andit's delicious!"

"Ma Costa?"Marisa asks when the woman's face shines in her mind.

"Yes! She is my... She is a friend of the family" The girl corrected herself, she was too embarrassed to say that she had a nanny, especially for a woman as confident and beautiful as Mrs. Coulter.

Marisa tries not to make a face when Lyra wipes her chocolate mustache with the sleeve of her shirt.

"Here, darling, you don’t need to use your shirt" Marisa involuntarily leans over to the girl and takes her chin in one hand and with the other she wipes the child's face.

Lyra is paralyzed by the touch, nobody but Ma Costa had touched her like that.

The girl doesn't know if it's Marisa's rose scent, her soft hands, her melodic voice, her gentle eyes or her motherly gesture... but Lyra just let the woman wipe her face.

Marisa realized her action too late and just walked away from the child with a bewildered smile on her face.

_What's happening to me?_ She thought to herself, a little frustrated by the way she was acting.

_She is_ The monkey replied.

"Have you traveled this far before?" Marisa asks trying to change the tension formed in the air.

"No... we usually go to warmer places. I’m a good assistant."She smiled and took the chocolate muffin that Marisa had placed on the plate.

"I'm sure you are... What are you and your parents researching?"The woman really wanted to know the amazing story that Asriel had invented for her identity to remain anonymous.

"Oh...no ... it's just me and my dad..." Lyra glanced at the daemons, the older one stared at Marisa."Are you an explorer?"

"I am" The woman smiled, taking the cup to her lips. Lyra blew on the liquid before doing the same.

"Do you know my father?"The girl lowers the cup and looks at the woman expectantly "Do you know Lord Asriel?"

The golden monkey jumped on the bed.

"Oh, so Asriel is your father?"Marisa asks with false surprise "I’m surprised that Asriel hasn’t talked about you"

He didn't really need to, his miserable face was a constant reminder.

"So you know each other!"

"We ran into each other a few times at the Arctic Institute" Something like a laugh escaped her lips.

"Have you seen armored bears? Or Tartars?!" Lyra widens her brown eyes and rests her elbows on her knees.

Marisa raised her eyebrow and smiled at the girl's animation.

"I have already negotiated with Tartars and I’m a friends with the bear king Iofur Raknison" The hot chocolate burned her throat, the woman ignored the sensation "And you know what? I'll tell you a secret that you shouldn't repeat to anyone"

"I won’t!"Lyra leans forward.

Marisa crosses her legs and approaches the child.

"The thing that King Iofur wants most is a daemon" The woman stops for a moment and lets the information hang in the air "He sees himself as a human"

The idea seemed absurd to Lyra, how could a armored bear want to be a human?Humans aren’t as magnificent as bears!

"I thought bears were smart" Lyra thinks out loud.

"And they are" Marisa agrees briefly "The vast majority, at least."

"This bear king is very silly!"Lyra shrugs.

Marisa laughs out loud, totally delighted by the girl's spontaneity.Soon the child joins the woman, the sound of Mrs. Coulter's laughter sounded like bells in Lyra's ears.

"I couldn't agree more!"The woman speaks after controlling her laughter.

"This is so cool" Lyra adds belatedly after they both stopped laughing "I can't wait to grow up and be an explorer too!"

Marisa smiles momentarily, but she can't help the feeling of loss that gets stronger and stronger.

"It isn’t that easy, this life requires a lot of dedication and courage"

"I have courage!"The girl insists.

"You must be really brave... if Asriel chose you as his assistant" The woman ponders "Did you bring all your equipment? I think it’s too much for just one room."

"Oh and it is. We have so many boxes! My dad got a lab."

"Oh, Did he?"Her eyes shone with interest and Lyra smiled.

Marisa knows how much Asriel's research disturbs the Magisterium, she herself saw what the man is capable of!When she realized how much luggage the explorer had carried with him, she knew that her ex-lover would not come to this conference just to give lectures.

"Yes, I haven't seen it yet but it must be great... It's my first time here."The girl admits a little embarrassed.

"You will love the North, darling! I love the mornings when the horizon seems endless, all you see in front of you is fresh unbroken snow, and you feel utterly alone and utterly magnificent" Lyra watches as the woman travels in her thoughts.

"I want to feel like that" The child looks at Marisa with admiration.

"I'm sure you will ..." Marisa turns to face the girl "Now, what is Asriel researching? I imagine it must be something incredible!"

Marisa's eyes shine with emotion and a certain kind of malice, although the girl couldn’t accurately describe the woman's feelings.

"Well, he..." The girl stops talking.

_You can't tell that!_ Pan's rebuke echoes Lyra's mind.

_Why, Pan?She is being so kind and..._ Lyra was enchanted by the beautiful black-haired woman.

_Because your father asked not to!_ Pan argues.

_But she knows him..._ The girl insists.

_She's a stranger, Lyra_ The daemon rolls his hare eyes and approaches Lyra.

"He...?"The woman asks, noticing the child's silence.

"He must be coming soon" The girl stands up abruptly "The party must be over and he said he would stop by my room before going to sleep"

"Oh..." Marisa opens her mouth twice before closing it.

The brunette didn't want the girl to leave now, but she also had no excuses to make her stay.

"Thank you so much for the dressing, Mrs. Coulter and the hot chocolate..." The child looks longingly at her unfinished chocolate cup "But I really have to go before he arrives."

"I understand" Marisa nods, silently trying to take the disappointment away from her perfect face "You’re right. Come, I will accompany you to the door."

As soon as they reached the doorway of Marisa's room, the woman gently held the girl's thin shoulder. Lyra turns to the woman and looks expectantly, the child didn’t want to go as much as the other brunette wanted her to stay.

"Try not to get in trouble, Lyra" The woman reaches out and takes a curl out of the girl's eyes.

"I'm gonna try it" Lyra says softly, and oddly enough, the child really meant it. "Bye, Mrs. Coulter."

"Bye, Lyra" Marisa says softly.

All the woman wants to do is to hold the child in her arms and beg for a forgiveness that the little girl is unable to give or understand.

The door closed behind Lyra, leaving the girl and the daemon in the hall. The child feels a deep sense of loss sinking into her little heart, as when we cannot remember a very dear moment.

"Come on, Lyra!"Pan warned "Your dad must be going up by now!"

The child had to go through two doors to get to her room, she unlocks the door and turns on the light, relieved to have arrived in time.

"Oh Pan, I..."

"Where were you?"A voice speaks behind the girl's back.

Lyra knows exactly who that voice belongs to, she knows very well that now she will have to be the greatest lier in order to get out of this problem unscathed.

The girl turns around slowly and gives the man sitting in the chair the most beautiful of smiles.

"Hello, Daddy! You came early today! How was the party?"Lyra blinks her eyes.

"Where have you been?"Asriel gets up angrily and walks over to the girl causing the little girl to press her back against the door "Answer me, girl!"

"I was doing a dressing" The girl speaks and felt Pan shiver in her dress pocket.

Asriel takes a step back and looks at the girl looking for any signs of abrasions.

"What dressing? What did you do?"He asks irritably.

The girl raises the hem of the dress and shows the dressing the woman had made.

"I ended up slipping in the bathroom and scraped my knee, one of the employees in the building helped me... that's why I left" The girl's eyes are big and tearful, hiding all the malice of lying.

Asriel bends down and holds the girl's leg tightly, making Lyra shudder silently.

"How many times have I asked to be careful, girl?" He gets up and rubs his forehead "I said you wasn't supposed to leave this room..."

"Unless it was an emergency" The girl reminds him "I was scared and needed help, you weren't here, you're never here..."

"It was just a scratch, Lyra" He pinches the tip of his nose and puts a hand on his waist "You know what, it doesn't matter anymore... just promise me you won't come out that door anymore, if something happens, ask them to call me, but don't go out that door! "

"But why? I came here to help!"The girl protests.

Stelmaria, who was at Asriel's feet, gets up and snarls at Lyra.

"I COMMANDED TO STAY IN THE ROOM!"He screams in the girl's face making Lyra press her body even harder on the wooden door.

The room falls into a deafening silence and Lyra has to bite the inside of her cheek to hold back tears, she didn't want to cry, especially in front of him, all she wants now is to spit in her father's ignorance.

The girl walks away and marches to the bathroom.

"Don't turn your back on me, Lyra Belacqua!"He takes the girl by the arm and holds her at eye level "Obey me when I talk to you, if I tell you to stay in the room, you stay! You were lucky that today I don't have time to be arguing with you or you'd be under my knee already! Now, brush your teeth and go to sleep, don't go into my room without being invited, do you understand? "

The girl purses her lips and looks at him with hatred.

"Yes" She whispers the word.

"I didn't hear you right" He squeezes Lyra's shoulders.

"Yes... Father" She swallows.

"Great" Asriel releases her and with one last look opens the door to leave.

Before the man closes the door, she sees a glimpse of a blond woman, not as pretty as Mrs. Coulter, waiting for her father.

"I think she's with him" Pan comments after a while.

"Screw him" Lyra speaks angrily and kicks the dressing table.

The girl threw herself on the double bed and sighed.

"I think I hate him, Pan"

"I don't know why you still say that, you know it's not true" The daemon turns into a red panda and lies down beside Lyra.

The child felt a tear run down her rosy cheek, Pan licking it away from the girl's face.

"So I wish I couldn’t love him" The child said decidedly "I wish I could love someone like Mrs. Coulter, who is kind and caring."

"But you love Roger, and he's all that with you" The daemon tilts his head.

"It's different... I think Roger wants the same as me" The girl says sadly.

Pantalaimon understood exactly what Lyra meant, he’s very familiar with conflicting feelings of abandonment and longing that beats in the heart of the little girl and the kitchen boy.

"I didn't think she was kind and caring" Pan says after a while.

"You only say that because you didn't like her daemon" Lyra was angry with Pan for making her feel all kinds of emotions today.

"That monkey isn’t normal, Lyra... have you ever looked him in the eye? There's something strange..."

"Well, it doesn't matter" Lyra rolls her eyes at her daemon "At least she didn't tell about us."

Lyra took off her torn dress and threw her shoes across the room, tied her hair awkwardly on top of her head and put on an old shirt that looked more like a dress.

The girl lined up on the scented sheets and turned off the light, once again thinking of the kind woman she had met.

Lyra looked out the big window beside her bed and stared at the moonlight that covers the entire room, squinting at the sky, she recognized the constellation that had taken her name, Pan transformed into an ermine and laid her white head on the Lyra's chest.

The child had the strange feeling that she knew that woman, maybe it was really in one of her father's magazines, but something says that this is definitely not the case. The woman is too beautiful to be portrayed in a simple magazine, she is too elegant to be described in words, Lyra thinks that nothing exactly lives up to the older brunette, the girl herself was finding it difficult to compare the explorer with something because she had never met a woman like Mrs. Coulter.

"Where do I know her from?" She spoke to herself.

"Nowhere" Pan replies, sleepy "It was the first time you saw her"

"I have this feeling, Pan" The girl turns on the bed and looks at the ceiling "She looks so familiar"

"Maybe it's just a hunch" The daemon readjusted himself in Lyra's chest "Let's go to sleep, Lyra... you know you're sleepy"

The girl involuntarily yawns.

Lyra closed her eyes and allowed herself to drift off to sleep, her mind was filled with dreams all night, she dreamed of a woman and a baby... or was she a stranger saving a random girl?! It didn't matter, those dreams would be nothing more than fog for Lyra the next day and then be lost in her subconscious forever.

Little did the child know that these reveries would be marked forever on the woman two-doors away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let me know what you think xx

**Author's Note:**

> Tell me what you think and if you want a next chapter:)
> 
> P.S Thanks Alina ❤️


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